So, whilst perusing the vast pop culture gallery that is my brain/apartment, I couldn't help but notice that cartoon characters always have really awesome professions.
Mob Boss: Only available to individuals with rotund bodies, tiny feet, and a predelection for smoking large cigars without ashing them (not to be confused with old ladies smoking Virginia Slims at their Red Hat Society meeting). How does one even obtain this body shape? Careful years of honing the diet and binding the feet is the only option I can come up with. Must also be able to intimidate, or have an intimidating friend at your disposal to threaten the fine cartoon community for more ACME explosives. This leads me to my next point...
ACME dynamite in general: The one and only explosive company in cartoon history ever, and also a monopoly most likely run by Mob Bosses. Be it a tester, or a testee (no, not testes.) this seems like a pretty sweet gig. Either you hang out in the desert and blow shit up (although this could cause problems for those who dislike dry heat, but then again we are in cartoons where there is no atmosphere unless Marvin comes around) or you stand around in the desert (unless you are the Roadrunner, who is on some constant unknown journey of UTMOST IMPORTANCE to warrant sprinting everywhere) and get explosives shoved off a cliff onto your head. Either way, you get to hang out in the desert.
Bandit: Nowhere in the free world are there straight up bandits anymore. Gone are the days of the Wild West and carriage robberies. But, Yosemite Sam and Speedy Gonzalez are still going strong. Now, there is debate as to whether Speedy is actually a bandit or not, but lets be real here. He's a quick Mexican mouse, obvs criteria for being a bandit (not meant to be offensive towards Mexicans or mice, just making a point about banditos). I would also like to know the location of the store that sells horizontal striped long sleeve shirts, and blindfolds with eye-holes cut out that are integral for being a successful bank robber. That's probably where Waldo is at this very moment, or at least where he hides when he's not in those damn picture books [sidenote: I Spy books were probably just photos of people's overly messy rooms that were submitted in lieu of setting up those ridiculously complicated scenes].
{Due to Ginger's class being over, and adventures to get to, more career descriptions are forthcoming}
Peace and Pintos,
Ginge
Friday, April 23, 2010
Where have all the cowboys gone?
A brief commentary on the evolution of wrestling:
Wrestling, whether "legitimate" or staged, seems to be quite popular in North America and other parts of the world. Whether you are a die-hard wrestling fan or mostly unfamiliar with the sport, you will surely have noticed one common thread - latent homosexuality.
Wrestling has been around for thousands of years. There are different styles attributed to China (dating back up to 4000 years), ancient Egypt, and many other cultures. The most infamous and still widely used form of wrestling is Greco-Roman wrestling. Traditionally, men would get naked, grease themselves up and roll around with/touch all up on other men (to put it simply). In modern times, Greco-Roman wrestling is still recognized as an Olympic sport; however, they are now required to wear a singlet that still disturbingly displays their packages. Not only are there massive amounts of latent homosexuality present, but there is even a class of wrestlers as young as 13 to age 15 called "schoolboys". I wouldn't be surprised if every spectator to that match had a pedo 'stache. And let's talk about how a wrestler can earn points for "exposure"...wow.
More along the lines of "real" wrestling, there is high school and college wrestling. What comes to mind besides male-on-male action are only a few things: projecting hyper masculine imagery, anorexia, ring worm, and cauliflower ear. I think that we can all agree that none of these are pleasant to begin with; when coupled with spandex they create a new disaster entirely. Most of the wrestlers I knew were originally football players who got bored in the off season, and who likely missed smacking other men on the bum. Although many former high school wrestlers seem to drop wrestling in college because they are supposedly not as serious about the sport, it is my theory that perhaps their ability to blame beer pong and flip cup for touching their fellow frat boys inappropriately is to blame. We've all heard horror stories about bro rape.
In the 90's, wrestling took an interesting turn. More of the general public took an interest in staged wrestling and the names of wrestlers were familiar to most households, or at least those with younger children and teenagers. The most fascinating of all rivalries was, undoubtedly, the war between "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan and "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Now, there were many grudge matches spawned between famous wrestlers...why was this one the most poignant? There is but one answer that can sum it up appropriately: rap albums. You know things are serious when they hop out of the ring and into the recording studio. Ha, and you thought that east coast/west coast rivalries were intense! Try being slammed, figuratively and literally, by a dude with a platinum handlebar mustache and poor rhyming skills. OUCH.
After the rap hype died down and the "Macho Man" started making Slim Jim commercials instead, staged wrestling has faded a bit more into the background. However, like most things popular in the 90's, wrestling has been a bit delayed in reaching the beer-swilling Nascar crowd. Today, many unfortunate children have role models such as John Cena. John Cena is, of course, a former football player. Surprisingly he holds a college degree and seems far more intelligent than most professional wrestlers. Tragically, he has abandoned his degree training in favour of - you guessed it - bad acting gigs and hip-hop albums. He's even recorded a song called "Basic Thugonomics", which reinforces my hypothesis that you should never trust anyone with an incredibly large neck.
There is one type of wrestling that we approve of, which is fake wrestling (not to be confused with stage wrestling). Everyone with a scrappy bone in their body knows the fake wrestling trick. It's right up there with fake tickle fights and fake naps...you know that it's just a prelude to doin' it. And doin' it, as you know, is ALWAYS okay in our book. So go out there, champ, and instigate some fake wrasslin'. Just don't think it entitles you to a rap album.
With love and laboratories,
Izzy
Wrestling, whether "legitimate" or staged, seems to be quite popular in North America and other parts of the world. Whether you are a die-hard wrestling fan or mostly unfamiliar with the sport, you will surely have noticed one common thread - latent homosexuality.
Wrestling has been around for thousands of years. There are different styles attributed to China (dating back up to 4000 years), ancient Egypt, and many other cultures. The most infamous and still widely used form of wrestling is Greco-Roman wrestling. Traditionally, men would get naked, grease themselves up and roll around with/touch all up on other men (to put it simply). In modern times, Greco-Roman wrestling is still recognized as an Olympic sport; however, they are now required to wear a singlet that still disturbingly displays their packages. Not only are there massive amounts of latent homosexuality present, but there is even a class of wrestlers as young as 13 to age 15 called "schoolboys". I wouldn't be surprised if every spectator to that match had a pedo 'stache. And let's talk about how a wrestler can earn points for "exposure"...wow.
If this doesn't scream "Home in the Hamptons with your life partner, Ross" I don't know what does.
More along the lines of "real" wrestling, there is high school and college wrestling. What comes to mind besides male-on-male action are only a few things: projecting hyper masculine imagery, anorexia, ring worm, and cauliflower ear. I think that we can all agree that none of these are pleasant to begin with; when coupled with spandex they create a new disaster entirely. Most of the wrestlers I knew were originally football players who got bored in the off season, and who likely missed smacking other men on the bum. Although many former high school wrestlers seem to drop wrestling in college because they are supposedly not as serious about the sport, it is my theory that perhaps their ability to blame beer pong and flip cup for touching their fellow frat boys inappropriately is to blame. We've all heard horror stories about bro rape.
In the 90's, wrestling took an interesting turn. More of the general public took an interest in staged wrestling and the names of wrestlers were familiar to most households, or at least those with younger children and teenagers. The most fascinating of all rivalries was, undoubtedly, the war between "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan and "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Now, there were many grudge matches spawned between famous wrestlers...why was this one the most poignant? There is but one answer that can sum it up appropriately: rap albums. You know things are serious when they hop out of the ring and into the recording studio. Ha, and you thought that east coast/west coast rivalries were intense! Try being slammed, figuratively and literally, by a dude with a platinum handlebar mustache and poor rhyming skills. OUCH.
After the rap hype died down and the "Macho Man" started making Slim Jim commercials instead, staged wrestling has faded a bit more into the background. However, like most things popular in the 90's, wrestling has been a bit delayed in reaching the beer-swilling Nascar crowd. Today, many unfortunate children have role models such as John Cena. John Cena is, of course, a former football player. Surprisingly he holds a college degree and seems far more intelligent than most professional wrestlers. Tragically, he has abandoned his degree training in favour of - you guessed it - bad acting gigs and hip-hop albums. He's even recorded a song called "Basic Thugonomics", which reinforces my hypothesis that you should never trust anyone with an incredibly large neck.
There is one type of wrestling that we approve of, which is fake wrestling (not to be confused with stage wrestling). Everyone with a scrappy bone in their body knows the fake wrestling trick. It's right up there with fake tickle fights and fake naps...you know that it's just a prelude to doin' it. And doin' it, as you know, is ALWAYS okay in our book. So go out there, champ, and instigate some fake wrasslin'. Just don't think it entitles you to a rap album.
With love and laboratories,
Izzy
Friday, April 9, 2010
Incidents and accidents, hints and allegations.
Ginger: Ethan just tried to tell me that ravers and hippies are the same thing. UM THEY ARE NOT.
Izzy: Although they both follow the principles of peace, love, unity and respect, the subcultures are way different. Even the drugs used are different (i.e. more natural-leaning drugs vs. manufactured club drugs). One evolved due to social unrest and revolt, one evolved due to...techno.
**********
Izzy: Our friendship reminds me of the girls in Heavenly Creatures, minus the creepiness and matricide.
Ginger: I've never heard of that movie...but I feel like if matricide is involved I'll find it creepily entertaining.
Izzy: Definitely. I'm kinda glad I didn't watch it when I was a younger and much more angsty (or at least less self-controlled) girl.
Ginger: Lolz, I concur. My mother would probably have gottten more than liquid soap on her toothbrush.
Izzy: It's set in New Zealand and a true story. I mean, you can't entirely blame them...there really wasn't anything to do in 1950's NZ except fuck sheep and kill your mother.
**********
Izzy: I think Saddam Hussein was cloned, put into a sailor suit, and is now an actor on the Spanish Channel.
Ginger: It's quite plausible...what else are all his body doubles going to do now?
**********
Izzy: Ohh, East Clevland...I love the metal bars on the drive-thru windows. It's charming.
Ginger: It really gives you that sense of small town charm.
**********
Ginger: Ostraconophobia- the abhorrence of mollusks. Dinophobia- fear of whirlpools...sadly not a fear of dinosaurs. Cherophobia- fear of gaiety. Wtf? Hellenologophobia- fear of overly complex scientific terminology.
I found a phobia book at the library. It's very informative.
Izzy: Who, in their right mind, would abhor mollusks? Nobody we want to associate with.
**********
[Ginger's Adventures in Pittsburgh]
Ginger: So at work tonight, there was this old lady in a red velvet dress and big white fur coat coming to one of the parties we were hosting. As soon as I saw her I thought she was Santa and was depressed to find out she was just an old woman.
Ginger: Gandalf has returned! But he wears mom jeans. This is actual photographic proof that Gandalf really was a wolf shirt wearer...and I hope you can see the scarf is neon purple.
Ginger: I'm intrigued by cowboys not in their natural habitats. How did they come to be in the city? Why do they still feel the need to be cowboys? Is there a secret league of cowboy crimefighters and that's how they recognize each other? So many unanswered questions...
Ginger: JOE LEFT PORN UNDER OUR MATTRESS. I watched the first minute of the intro, the girls were especially busted and low budget.
Ginger: I love it when My Super Sweet 16 parties go wrong, it's almost as good as when I watch Teen Mom.
**********
[Home for the Holidays]
Ginger: How can something be out of stock online? Isn't there a factory full of children being paid 3 cents an hour to make sure that doesn't happen?
Izzy: Yeah, isn't that why we outsource? I mean otherwise we could pay people here to actually do their damn job.
Ginger: Completely unhelpful, Home Depot online. P.S., I'm getting my mom a drill for X-Mas.
Izzy: Are you getting her a girlfriend too?
Ginger: She can find one on her own, it's only a matter of time.
Izzy: I secretly wish she and Carol would get together.
Ginger: That would be SO ridiculous. But what about The Captain? He would be so lonely.
Izzy: He has like 8,000 kids to keep him company.
Ginger: True, and he can take to the high seas on a grand adventure and maybe pick up Charlotte Doyle.
Izzy: I got 2 things of lotion. One makes me smell like an Asian hooker (supposedly Japanese Cherry Blossom but my brother says they usually smell more like sweat, tears, and old chow mein) and the other makes me smell like an American stripper (is this vanilla? Or is it daddy issues, glitter, and GHB?).
Ginger: I've also smelled that Japanese Cherry whatever and definitely got a hint of hooker to round out the bouquet.
Ginger: We are totes soulmates. It's decided by the fates...I am sooo drunk but having an amazing time. I would pay hobos to pull you here on a bobsled.
Ginger: A summary of my last 24 hours: worked 12 hours, during which I met a new lez at work and invited out with me and Ethan; got out of work, went to multiple bars and a house party until I went home at 4 am with aforementioned new lez friend and our other lez friend and we all fall asleep at 6 am in our bed. Wake up, went to buy drugs and played My Little Pony with drug dealer's daughter. Now trying to find dinner...if this is any indication of how this year is going to play out I am PUMPED.
Izzy: Jealous! I went to work, got out at 6:20, kicked it at Jen's and hung out at their party until sadly I had to work again at 11 pm. Woke up in a good mood which Carol promptly shat upon. I am now on my way to Reading, PA to see Dex and get some sexin' (Lord knows I need it) and kick it. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about 2010 so far. Awkward. If the sex is fantastic perhaps I'll be more optimistic.
**********
Ginger: 60+ male on the T with a Miley Cyrus lanyard sticking out of his back pocket. Weird.
Izzy: At least he's open and proud of it. No, wait...still weird.
Ginger: I feel like he uses it as a luring device. It had crosses on it, yet he is ironically unholy.
Izzy: And ultra pedo-creepy.
Ginger: Totes. He had a weird pedo scraggly beard as well.
Izzy: Yuck. Mustache status?
Ginger: Trash stash.
**********
Izzy: Why I like dating the Hulk: I had sex mid-air (um, awesome) and later on quite literally got the panties ripped off of me. I was shocked and amazed...then very satisfied. High five?
Ginger: Double high-five. You might have just starred in a porno.
Izzy: If not I probably should have. It's like The Odyssey, bedroom edition. I have to be prepared to fend off krakens and sea witches and whatnot.
**********
Ginger: I'm sorry, but any boy that writes "kewl dewd" in swirly letters on his folder is gay, no matter how much he insists he has a girlfriend. This is also the same boy that talks to Garfield on MySpace.
I also think I'm going to start drawing vaginas on everything to combat all the penis graffiti. And sign them all C(I)A too. I saw the cutest thing today- a boy made a paper flower and gave it to another boy and then they hugged. Totes presh.
Izzy: Is the boy that gave or received that flower the kewl dewd who talks to Garfield? 'Cause he's super gay. Also, I fully support vagina graffiti.
Ginger: He is not one of the flower boys, which is good because they were both cute and he is scary. He also just bleached his hair and slicks it all back now, instead of the side back and top forward.
Izzy: He's obviously a Malfoy.
Ginger: Ew, at least Malfoy is cute. He's a poor unintelligent imitation.
Izzy: Like Malfoy's retarded brother they kept a secret, locked away in a dungeon somewhere.
Ginger: They would totally do that, if there was an ugly brother. But he would definitely be a squib.
Izzy: I doubt Garfield boy has any powers other than the uncanny ability to invoke my gag reflex.
Ginger: He's also really good at writing in swirly font.
**********
Izzy: Seriously, I think they need to ban annoying pregnant women from Facebook. I just hopped on and, thanks to my news feed, learned that this girl has now dilated to 1 cm. Idk why she thinks the interwebs wants to hear all about her cervix. I'm also going to extend that ban to annoying newlyweds who insist on talking about their new [boring] lives together. If this keeps up I will counteract and start describing, in great detail, the poops I take every morning.
Ginger: Facebook is irritating me right now, too many people overshare. Specifically in the cervical area. Besides, 1 cm is hardly anything to brag about.
Izzy: I know, right? When you're actually squeezing a baby out of your snatch maybe I'll be a little more impressed. Until then, shut up. Otherwise you may get an earful about either my poop or the ridiculous sex adventures I have. I feel either of those is more entertaining than hearing about cervix dilations or your husband's trip to Lowe's. Do not want.
Ginger: Nor do I care about home improvements, unpacking boxes, or doing laundry. Shut the fuck up about it. I would appreciate poop and/or sex stories, as long as they are not combined.
**********
Ginger: We should have our own True Life: I'm Way More Awesome than Everyone Around Me.
**********
Ginger: So a type of peach is called a blushing star...umm, vagina lingo much?
**********
Izzy: I had no real V-Day cards laying around so instead I used a party invite. For: Valentine's Day. Date: February 14th, 2010 (duh). Time: All fuckin' day, bitch! Where: My pants. RSVP: In my mouth?
Uh, yeah. I'm classy. I did write a sweet personal note on the back...plus I spent a ridic amount of time making the envelope look supafly.
**********
Ginger: Some guy with Pez dispensers in a pawn shop just referred to a low bid as "an insult to the Pez community". He was also in a velour suit and fedora. Named Joe from Vegas, obvs.
Izzy: Uh, that dude is awesome, where can I get a velour suit?
Ginger: I have a feeling they are all in his closet. He never left 1970, which is really a lot of Vegas charm, actually.
**********
Ginger: I got baked and then baked cookie brownie bars. I love it when I make grocery decisions based upon my extracurricular drug use desires.
**********
Ginger: There are a bunch of Jersey Shore t-shirts at Burlington. May or may not have made barfing noises as I walked by them.
**********
Izzy: I bought Stride Mega Mystery gum based on several factors: 1) It reminded me of the white Airheads 2) It's all bright and multi-coloured, vaguely reminiscent of tie-dye 3) the big question mark on the front makes me feel like it's something The Riddler would chew 4) My sense of curiosity is highly developed and I love a good mystery [sidenote: this is also why I attempt to sneak references to Clue into conversations as much as possible] and 5) I'm a big fan of alliterative titles. Am I a fab item finder or just a sucker for marketing? Or dare I suggest...both?
Ginger: Normally I would say sucker for marketing, but you have sound logic to back up your purchases. I would go with your highly developed sense of curiosity.
Izzy: The individual wrappers have multi-coloured question marks all over them. I feel like a kid who just got her first pack of Zebra Stripe. The gum itself is an odd, indistinguishable flavour but strangely tasty. I feel both awkward and excited and to tell you the truth I don't know what to do about it other than have a perplexed look on my face. I also have the desire to get packs for everyone I like and/or throw a murder mystery party.
**********
Izzy: I discovered a wet diaper (the baby's, obvs, not mine) from a mid-drive diaper change in my car garbage bag...my first thought was "eww" but was rapidly succeeded by "at whom can I chuck this?". I should not be around urine bombs such as this, it makes troublesome thoughts crop up in the teenage boy prankster part of my brain. If I ever get a hold of a Diaper Genie, all hell will break loose. I should probably be forbidden from having children...
Ginger: I foresee a lot of diaper wars when we are at the cottage...to pelt at each other and also unfortunate passersby.
Izzy: The ones for each other must be filled with pleasant things though. If there are passersby at our gnome cottage it means they got past the trolls at the bridge, the mega-intense bear traps, and the kraken. THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT! BRING OUT THE CATAPULTS!
**********
Ginger: I've started drinking vodka and sprite with sours mix and grenadine...I'm feeling fancy today.
Izzy: Grenadine is like bows, the addition of either automatically makes something fancier.
**********
[Dexter and Poindexter]
Ginger: Does he have horn-rimmed glasses? I picture him as a sexy nerd.
Izzy: No but he has a beautiful tan and deep, serious eyes. Very tall, dark and handsome. Not someone I'd picture as a Poindexter (aka the Clark Kent type).
Ginger: He sounds nice to look at.
Izzy: Indeed. And he's in camis, as is Dex. I'm in Dexter-type dude heaven right now.
Ginger: Are they fanning you and feeding you those sorbet and sticky rice balls we got at Trader Joe's? Because they should be. I feel that an investment in a chaise lounge would not be out of place here.
**********
Ginger: I just equated waring a strap-on to be a sort of power, like a sword...making awkward conversations awesome ftw.
**********
Izzy: Dex, in a strange nearly-Sean-Connery-but-not-quite voice: "Ah yes, touch it, feel it, it is yours! It is yours, Trebek!". Uh, what? Apparently I'm Alex Trebek. Not gonna lie, I'm pretty excited about it. Trebek is apparently the boner commander as well as a very suave Canadian quiz master.
**********
Izzy: Some rank insignia has a bunch of chevrons and stripes and what is apparently an exploding bomb (the round Mario Bros. type) in the middle. I keep insisting it's a pineapple to symbolize love and friendship and welcome. I think I'm single-handedly turning the Marine Corps into daisy chain making hippies, at least in my head, and making people mad with my unrelenting insistence that it is fruit and not a weapon.
***********
Ginger: You're getting married right now, I'm watching Monsterquest...my, how we've grown apart.
**********
Izzy: I just passed a street called Shrimp Lady Lane. Seriously.
Ginger: Find me a house there. I shall live on Shrimp Lady Lane until I perish.
**********
Ginger: Going to hell FOR SURE...but I think it's a Crip gang.
**********
Ginger: I got a massive nosebleed and bled all over the bed, him, and myself thus looking like a cannibal/serial killer. It was so sexy :-/ Not.
**********
Ginger: Your uterus being a habitat makes me think of rainforests or the tundra.
Izzy: I wish it was a bio-dome so Pauly Shore could go be totaly 90's there. Only miniature because I don't think an adult could fit comfortably.
Ginger: If Pauly Shore springs from your uterus you probably have bigger problems than just a baby...like how Pauly Shore got into there in the first place.
Izzy: Harry Potter lives there too and said, "Accio miniature Pauly Shore!".
**********
Ginger: Um, beeteedub, I should not be explaining what's in a gin and tonic on day 23 of 28 in my bartending class. The same kid also asked me if vodka was in a shot of tequila. I'm actually rather proud I haven't backhanded him yet.
Srsly. My patience is waning...oh, and now he asked what was in a jack and coke. He might actually be a supergenius, sent to test my patience...or, like, Jesus. didn't he do sneaky shit like that?
**********
Ginger: So this girl in my class got grounded for being on the phone after 8 pm. She's 23. Cut. The. Cord. How messed up is that? She needs to a) Grow up and b) Slap her mother in the face.
**********
Izzy: Our song should be Always by Erasure. And by "our song" I mean you and me, not me and Dex.
Ginger: It's a much more pressing matter to choose our song than one with your husband.
Clearly this song and video (which you may recognize from Robot Unicorn Attack, one of the best flash games of all time) both represent our friendship quite well:
Izzy: Although they both follow the principles of peace, love, unity and respect, the subcultures are way different. Even the drugs used are different (i.e. more natural-leaning drugs vs. manufactured club drugs). One evolved due to social unrest and revolt, one evolved due to...techno.
**********
Izzy: Our friendship reminds me of the girls in Heavenly Creatures, minus the creepiness and matricide.
Ginger: I've never heard of that movie...but I feel like if matricide is involved I'll find it creepily entertaining.
Izzy: Definitely. I'm kinda glad I didn't watch it when I was a younger and much more angsty (or at least less self-controlled) girl.
Ginger: Lolz, I concur. My mother would probably have gottten more than liquid soap on her toothbrush.
Izzy: It's set in New Zealand and a true story. I mean, you can't entirely blame them...there really wasn't anything to do in 1950's NZ except fuck sheep and kill your mother.
**********
Izzy: I think Saddam Hussein was cloned, put into a sailor suit, and is now an actor on the Spanish Channel.
Ginger: It's quite plausible...what else are all his body doubles going to do now?
**********
Izzy: Ohh, East Clevland...I love the metal bars on the drive-thru windows. It's charming.
Ginger: It really gives you that sense of small town charm.
**********
Ginger: Ostraconophobia- the abhorrence of mollusks. Dinophobia- fear of whirlpools...sadly not a fear of dinosaurs. Cherophobia- fear of gaiety. Wtf? Hellenologophobia- fear of overly complex scientific terminology.
I found a phobia book at the library. It's very informative.
Izzy: Who, in their right mind, would abhor mollusks? Nobody we want to associate with.
**********
[Ginger's Adventures in Pittsburgh]
Ginger: So at work tonight, there was this old lady in a red velvet dress and big white fur coat coming to one of the parties we were hosting. As soon as I saw her I thought she was Santa and was depressed to find out she was just an old woman.
Ginger: Gandalf has returned! But he wears mom jeans. This is actual photographic proof that Gandalf really was a wolf shirt wearer...and I hope you can see the scarf is neon purple.
Ginger: I'm intrigued by cowboys not in their natural habitats. How did they come to be in the city? Why do they still feel the need to be cowboys? Is there a secret league of cowboy crimefighters and that's how they recognize each other? So many unanswered questions...
Ginger: JOE LEFT PORN UNDER OUR MATTRESS. I watched the first minute of the intro, the girls were especially busted and low budget.
Ginger: I love it when My Super Sweet 16 parties go wrong, it's almost as good as when I watch Teen Mom.
**********
[Home for the Holidays]
Ginger: How can something be out of stock online? Isn't there a factory full of children being paid 3 cents an hour to make sure that doesn't happen?
Izzy: Yeah, isn't that why we outsource? I mean otherwise we could pay people here to actually do their damn job.
Ginger: Completely unhelpful, Home Depot online. P.S., I'm getting my mom a drill for X-Mas.
Izzy: Are you getting her a girlfriend too?
Ginger: She can find one on her own, it's only a matter of time.
Izzy: I secretly wish she and Carol would get together.
Ginger: That would be SO ridiculous. But what about The Captain? He would be so lonely.
Izzy: He has like 8,000 kids to keep him company.
Ginger: True, and he can take to the high seas on a grand adventure and maybe pick up Charlotte Doyle.
Izzy: I got 2 things of lotion. One makes me smell like an Asian hooker (supposedly Japanese Cherry Blossom but my brother says they usually smell more like sweat, tears, and old chow mein) and the other makes me smell like an American stripper (is this vanilla? Or is it daddy issues, glitter, and GHB?).
Ginger: I've also smelled that Japanese Cherry whatever and definitely got a hint of hooker to round out the bouquet.
Ginger: We are totes soulmates. It's decided by the fates...I am sooo drunk but having an amazing time. I would pay hobos to pull you here on a bobsled.
Ginger: A summary of my last 24 hours: worked 12 hours, during which I met a new lez at work and invited out with me and Ethan; got out of work, went to multiple bars and a house party until I went home at 4 am with aforementioned new lez friend and our other lez friend and we all fall asleep at 6 am in our bed. Wake up, went to buy drugs and played My Little Pony with drug dealer's daughter. Now trying to find dinner...if this is any indication of how this year is going to play out I am PUMPED.
Izzy: Jealous! I went to work, got out at 6:20, kicked it at Jen's and hung out at their party until sadly I had to work again at 11 pm. Woke up in a good mood which Carol promptly shat upon. I am now on my way to Reading, PA to see Dex and get some sexin' (Lord knows I need it) and kick it. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about 2010 so far. Awkward. If the sex is fantastic perhaps I'll be more optimistic.
**********
Ginger: 60+ male on the T with a Miley Cyrus lanyard sticking out of his back pocket. Weird.
Izzy: At least he's open and proud of it. No, wait...still weird.
Ginger: I feel like he uses it as a luring device. It had crosses on it, yet he is ironically unholy.
Izzy: And ultra pedo-creepy.
Ginger: Totes. He had a weird pedo scraggly beard as well.
Izzy: Yuck. Mustache status?
Ginger: Trash stash.
**********
Izzy: Why I like dating the Hulk: I had sex mid-air (um, awesome) and later on quite literally got the panties ripped off of me. I was shocked and amazed...then very satisfied. High five?
Ginger: Double high-five. You might have just starred in a porno.
Izzy: If not I probably should have. It's like The Odyssey, bedroom edition. I have to be prepared to fend off krakens and sea witches and whatnot.
**********
Ginger: I'm sorry, but any boy that writes "kewl dewd" in swirly letters on his folder is gay, no matter how much he insists he has a girlfriend. This is also the same boy that talks to Garfield on MySpace.
I also think I'm going to start drawing vaginas on everything to combat all the penis graffiti. And sign them all C(I)A too. I saw the cutest thing today- a boy made a paper flower and gave it to another boy and then they hugged. Totes presh.
Izzy: Is the boy that gave or received that flower the kewl dewd who talks to Garfield? 'Cause he's super gay. Also, I fully support vagina graffiti.
Ginger: He is not one of the flower boys, which is good because they were both cute and he is scary. He also just bleached his hair and slicks it all back now, instead of the side back and top forward.
Izzy: He's obviously a Malfoy.
Ginger: Ew, at least Malfoy is cute. He's a poor unintelligent imitation.
Izzy: Like Malfoy's retarded brother they kept a secret, locked away in a dungeon somewhere.
Ginger: They would totally do that, if there was an ugly brother. But he would definitely be a squib.
Izzy: I doubt Garfield boy has any powers other than the uncanny ability to invoke my gag reflex.
Ginger: He's also really good at writing in swirly font.
**********
Izzy: Seriously, I think they need to ban annoying pregnant women from Facebook. I just hopped on and, thanks to my news feed, learned that this girl has now dilated to 1 cm. Idk why she thinks the interwebs wants to hear all about her cervix. I'm also going to extend that ban to annoying newlyweds who insist on talking about their new [boring] lives together. If this keeps up I will counteract and start describing, in great detail, the poops I take every morning.
Ginger: Facebook is irritating me right now, too many people overshare. Specifically in the cervical area. Besides, 1 cm is hardly anything to brag about.
Izzy: I know, right? When you're actually squeezing a baby out of your snatch maybe I'll be a little more impressed. Until then, shut up. Otherwise you may get an earful about either my poop or the ridiculous sex adventures I have. I feel either of those is more entertaining than hearing about cervix dilations or your husband's trip to Lowe's. Do not want.
Ginger: Nor do I care about home improvements, unpacking boxes, or doing laundry. Shut the fuck up about it. I would appreciate poop and/or sex stories, as long as they are not combined.
**********
Ginger: We should have our own True Life: I'm Way More Awesome than Everyone Around Me.
**********
Ginger: So a type of peach is called a blushing star...umm, vagina lingo much?
**********
Izzy: I had no real V-Day cards laying around so instead I used a party invite. For: Valentine's Day. Date: February 14th, 2010 (duh). Time: All fuckin' day, bitch! Where: My pants. RSVP: In my mouth?
Uh, yeah. I'm classy. I did write a sweet personal note on the back...plus I spent a ridic amount of time making the envelope look supafly.
**********
Ginger: Some guy with Pez dispensers in a pawn shop just referred to a low bid as "an insult to the Pez community". He was also in a velour suit and fedora. Named Joe from Vegas, obvs.
Izzy: Uh, that dude is awesome, where can I get a velour suit?
Ginger: I have a feeling they are all in his closet. He never left 1970, which is really a lot of Vegas charm, actually.
**********
Ginger: I got baked and then baked cookie brownie bars. I love it when I make grocery decisions based upon my extracurricular drug use desires.
**********
Ginger: There are a bunch of Jersey Shore t-shirts at Burlington. May or may not have made barfing noises as I walked by them.
**********
Izzy: I bought Stride Mega Mystery gum based on several factors: 1) It reminded me of the white Airheads 2) It's all bright and multi-coloured, vaguely reminiscent of tie-dye 3) the big question mark on the front makes me feel like it's something The Riddler would chew 4) My sense of curiosity is highly developed and I love a good mystery [sidenote: this is also why I attempt to sneak references to Clue into conversations as much as possible] and 5) I'm a big fan of alliterative titles. Am I a fab item finder or just a sucker for marketing? Or dare I suggest...both?
Ginger: Normally I would say sucker for marketing, but you have sound logic to back up your purchases. I would go with your highly developed sense of curiosity.
Izzy: The individual wrappers have multi-coloured question marks all over them. I feel like a kid who just got her first pack of Zebra Stripe. The gum itself is an odd, indistinguishable flavour but strangely tasty. I feel both awkward and excited and to tell you the truth I don't know what to do about it other than have a perplexed look on my face. I also have the desire to get packs for everyone I like and/or throw a murder mystery party.
**********
Izzy: I discovered a wet diaper (the baby's, obvs, not mine) from a mid-drive diaper change in my car garbage bag...my first thought was "eww" but was rapidly succeeded by "at whom can I chuck this?". I should not be around urine bombs such as this, it makes troublesome thoughts crop up in the teenage boy prankster part of my brain. If I ever get a hold of a Diaper Genie, all hell will break loose. I should probably be forbidden from having children...
Ginger: I foresee a lot of diaper wars when we are at the cottage...to pelt at each other and also unfortunate passersby.
Izzy: The ones for each other must be filled with pleasant things though. If there are passersby at our gnome cottage it means they got past the trolls at the bridge, the mega-intense bear traps, and the kraken. THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT! BRING OUT THE CATAPULTS!
**********
Ginger: I've started drinking vodka and sprite with sours mix and grenadine...I'm feeling fancy today.
Izzy: Grenadine is like bows, the addition of either automatically makes something fancier.
**********
[Dexter and Poindexter]
Ginger: Does he have horn-rimmed glasses? I picture him as a sexy nerd.
Izzy: No but he has a beautiful tan and deep, serious eyes. Very tall, dark and handsome. Not someone I'd picture as a Poindexter (aka the Clark Kent type).
Ginger: He sounds nice to look at.
Izzy: Indeed. And he's in camis, as is Dex. I'm in Dexter-type dude heaven right now.
Ginger: Are they fanning you and feeding you those sorbet and sticky rice balls we got at Trader Joe's? Because they should be. I feel that an investment in a chaise lounge would not be out of place here.
**********
Ginger: I just equated waring a strap-on to be a sort of power, like a sword...making awkward conversations awesome ftw.
**********
Izzy: Dex, in a strange nearly-Sean-Connery-but-not-quite voice: "Ah yes, touch it, feel it, it is yours! It is yours, Trebek!". Uh, what? Apparently I'm Alex Trebek. Not gonna lie, I'm pretty excited about it. Trebek is apparently the boner commander as well as a very suave Canadian quiz master.
**********
Izzy: Some rank insignia has a bunch of chevrons and stripes and what is apparently an exploding bomb (the round Mario Bros. type) in the middle. I keep insisting it's a pineapple to symbolize love and friendship and welcome. I think I'm single-handedly turning the Marine Corps into daisy chain making hippies, at least in my head, and making people mad with my unrelenting insistence that it is fruit and not a weapon.
***********
Ginger: You're getting married right now, I'm watching Monsterquest...my, how we've grown apart.
**********
Izzy: I just passed a street called Shrimp Lady Lane. Seriously.
Ginger: Find me a house there. I shall live on Shrimp Lady Lane until I perish.
**********
**********
Ginger: I got a massive nosebleed and bled all over the bed, him, and myself thus looking like a cannibal/serial killer. It was so sexy :-/ Not.
**********
Ginger: Your uterus being a habitat makes me think of rainforests or the tundra.
Izzy: I wish it was a bio-dome so Pauly Shore could go be totaly 90's there. Only miniature because I don't think an adult could fit comfortably.
Ginger: If Pauly Shore springs from your uterus you probably have bigger problems than just a baby...like how Pauly Shore got into there in the first place.
Izzy: Harry Potter lives there too and said, "Accio miniature Pauly Shore!".
**********
Ginger: Um, beeteedub, I should not be explaining what's in a gin and tonic on day 23 of 28 in my bartending class. The same kid also asked me if vodka was in a shot of tequila. I'm actually rather proud I haven't backhanded him yet.
Srsly. My patience is waning...oh, and now he asked what was in a jack and coke. He might actually be a supergenius, sent to test my patience...or, like, Jesus. didn't he do sneaky shit like that?
**********
Ginger: So this girl in my class got grounded for being on the phone after 8 pm. She's 23. Cut. The. Cord. How messed up is that? She needs to a) Grow up and b) Slap her mother in the face.
**********
Izzy: Our song should be Always by Erasure. And by "our song" I mean you and me, not me and Dex.
Ginger: It's a much more pressing matter to choose our song than one with your husband.
Clearly this song and video (which you may recognize from Robot Unicorn Attack, one of the best flash games of all time) both represent our friendship quite well:
Monday, March 8, 2010
Superswarms. Possible answer to the impending zombie invasion?
So, whilst watching the Discovery Channel last night, a show about superswarms came on. Essentially, the group experiences the ultimate groupthink and act as one unit. Fire ants, fish, bees, and starlings all have the ability to acutely sense their neighbors and can react fast enough to move as a team. This helps against predators, and this got me thinking. Humans are the top of the food chain when not in the wilderness or a shark tank or something...or a zombie invasion. Just like how ants can experience groupthink and individual thought at the same time, if humans could do this we would stand a much better chance at surviving long-term against the zombie race. Ants do really sweet shit like form a giant ant raft during a flood, and float to safety; or let off pheremones so when moving a twig, they can coordinate their pushing and pulling. Now, the sweet raft idea would not work because the little ants on the bottom layer can still breathe, but if we were able to work as a team there would be no trouble building barricades and walling off the roving bands of brain-eaters.
Now, I brought up this theory with my friend in class and he disagrees with my theory because he says that a humans ability to think as an individual and forage and plan are the only reasons that we can survive against attacking zombies. He believes individualism is the key to survival.
But, I suppose at the end of the day we should really just be glad that zombies can't superswarm, because that would be totally fucking scary.
Peace and machetes,
Ginger
Now, I brought up this theory with my friend in class and he disagrees with my theory because he says that a humans ability to think as an individual and forage and plan are the only reasons that we can survive against attacking zombies. He believes individualism is the key to survival.
But, I suppose at the end of the day we should really just be glad that zombies can't superswarm, because that would be totally fucking scary.
Peace and machetes,
Ginger
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Year Two Thousand and Ten, Anno Domini
We sincerely apologize for not updating you, the American public, on the status of fux to be delegated in the [relatively new] year of 2010. Let it be known that:
FUX ARE TO BE POSTPONED INDEFINITELY.
With besties and butternut squash,
Izzy and Ginge
FUX ARE TO BE POSTPONED INDEFINITELY.
With besties and butternut squash,
Izzy and Ginge
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Cottages and communes.
Ginger: I just made a pun using pho. We're eating it for lunch, and I said, "I'll take mine home, pho later!"
**********
Izzy: Bill has Purple Rain on vinyl.
Ginger: Is Chocolate Rain on the other side?
**********
Ginger: I had an awful day today and wish we could snuggle and smoke a bowl under my electric blanket.
Izzy: Me too, watching Saved by the Bell. We watched X-Files last night (Adrian just got the 4th season) and it made me miss you terribly.
Ginger: It's just not the same watching it in Pitt than it was on that sketchy pulldown bed.
Izzy: I loved that bed.
Ginger: Me too...when it had sheets on and I couldn't see the sex and murder stains.
Izzy: Haha indeed, hopefully those two things didn't happen simultaneously.
Ginger: My apartment was most likely the set of a snuff film.
**********
Ginger: I wish you could shadow me sooo bad! PCI wouldn't know what hit them.
Izzy: We'd intellect-fuck them so hard they wouldn't walk right for weeks.
**********
Ginger: I love being a pain...it's really entertaining for me.
Izzy: Me too, I love to instigate. Apparently it gets my pants stolen though.
Ginger: That's really not the worst thing that could happen.
Izzy: One day I'm going to wake up and find myself naked and in a tree in Belize.Ginger: I hear they have great food and salsa dancing...
**********
Izzy: I think that if we really had our gnome cottage I would never need anything else out of life. I wish we lived in a fairy tale.
Ginger: Slash action comic. Really though, if I got to live in the gnome cottage forever I would be quite happy.
**********
Izzy: I just found a yarn called "riot eyelash", and one in a colour called "yummy white". I lol'd.
**********
Ginger: The phrase "we're hungering after Jesus" was just used by a 12-year-old boy with a rat tail. Named Levi.
Izzy: Sounds like Children of the Corn crossed with the legion of undead. Zombies invade heaven...new movie idea?
Ginger: As long as there are plenty of where we're floating around with sparkly wings.
Izzy: Shooting at white trash zombies with our ray guns.
Ginger: Can God drive over them in a tank?
Izzy: YES.
**********
Ginger: I wish we could travel on giant hopping bunnies.
Izzy: That could be painful unless we get cushiony saddles to prevent impact damage to our hoo-has. I might like a giant kangaroo that could put me in its pouch.
Ginger: That would be so velvety! And excellent for overnight travel.
Izzy: I always wondered...when marsupials get knocked up does their little pouch thing seal up? I find the marsupial birth process to be a bit confusing.
Ginger: As do I. Is the baby actually born out of the pouch? Or does it just kind of grow in there? I mean, they're like super tiny, right? Like a grain of rice.
Izzy: Apparently they can weigh as little as 0.03 ounces at birth. They are born (presumably out of the roo's hoo-ha) and then crawl into the pouch where they keep on nursing (so, do kangaroos have nipples in their pouches?) and developing. They stay in there and don't leave for like 8 months to a year I think. Marsupials are so fucking weird.
Ginger: Seriously weird. I wonder if they're ever mistaken for bugs?
Izzy: The baby roos?
Ginger: Yeah, and like scratched off.
Izzy: Hahaha that would suck!
Ginger: Right? Kangaroos are sooo strange.
Izzy: I think I'd be a good kangaroo because I like to stash things, jump around, and kick people in the chest.
**********
Izzy: Arson, death, prostitution, affairs...why don't I watch Melrose Place?
**********
[The Virtues of the Gnome Cottage]
Izzy: I want a sailor outfit. I am also waiting for the day when we're out traveling and exploring, and stumble across a location that we both instantly know is meant to be the gnome cottage. That's how it goes in my head...a joyous discovery.
Ginger: Mine too...like we wander upon a lake, and decide we need to stay and build the cottage.
Izzy: In my head the cottage is on a hill with a stone path (surrounded by lots of wildflowers) going down to the lake (on the right side if you're facing the front of the cottage) where our ship is waiting and there are lots of willow trees. On the left of the cottage is our hangar. Lots of open meadows around but our cottage is shaded by tall trees, and we have a giant mushroom in the front to sit and read under on nice days with a light breeze and sunshine!
Ginger: That's almost exactly my picturing! Except the hill part, but literally identical. It's fate...we must find this place.
Izzy: It's only a small hill, barely able to be classified as a hill, and a short distance to the lake :) Ohhh and lots of creeping ivy or that hanging moss stuff on the cottage to add charm and a feeling of home. And of course a big chimney for our warm fireplace to sit in front of with hot cocoa in the winter. Lots of marshmallows, of course.
Ginger: Can we have a hot chocolate room with brown walls and big white mushy bean bags as furniture?
Izzy: Hahaha that'd be so cute! We can make the walls look like you're inside a fun mug. It should be round!
Ginger: Yes! We can have a turret and that can be the top room.
Izzy: Or it can be a treehouse! Oooh so many ideas...I want a trampoline and a moon bounce in the meadow or in the backyard somewhere, and a tire swing off of one of the willows.
Ginger: We can also have a tire swing into the lake!
Izzy: I was picturing it as such :)
Ginger: -sigh- This gnome cottage will be the crowning achievement of my life.
Izzy: Indeed. I'll never want to leave and go back to the "real" world.
Ginger: Fuck that. We can sustain ourselves and take drugs for days at a time.
Izzy: Life plan: made.
**********
Ginger: Ethan's mom got me a Snuggie for Christmas. Thought you should be kept informed. I hope it's the Weezer one. Perhaps we can set it aflame?
Izzy: It's probably fireproof. And made out of dragon scales and evil.
Ginger: I think those meet the California guidelines for flammable materials.
**********
Izzy: Our cool factor is augmented when we're together...we're obviously meant to be a duo. I mean, the kids from Captain Planet were cool on their own but together they formed a mega earth-friendly crime-fighting blue-green dude. That's kind of what I equate us to. On that note we seriously need to get sweet power rings.
Ginger: Power rings would definitely enhance our power while together. I think they should also match our jet packs and hot air balloons.
Izzy: Or they can be mood rings, usually fixed on whatever colour is assigned to AWESOME.
**********
Izzy: Every time I go to NC my obvious priority is to get laid by a man who adores me. Aka anyone with eyes and a brain, what upppp!
**********
Ginger: Addie's birthday is going to be insaaane (in the membrane, obvs).
Izzy: Cypress Hill reference ftw.
**********
Ginger: If I just used the term "sexy getaway", I have been reading Cosmo too much.
Izzy: It was kind of awesome and in my head I pictured something very drug store romance novel-esque, Fabio included.
**********
Izzy: We have a special bond and I think it confuses other people, like the smell of camels does to horses.
**********
Izzy: I wish I was Rafiki. Then I could hold baby lions up on clilffs, smack people with my staff, and wipe my glowy cave paint berry juice on peoples' foreheads without consequence.
Ginger: I'm sure we could still do that, but we'd have to move to the free people commune in northern California.
Izzy: Do they allow you to hit people with sticks? That might still be unacceptable. I do enjoy communes though.
Ginger: I think if it was for a life-changing experience to re-define who you are as a person, like it was for Simba, it would be.
**********
Ginger: Sitting next to a boy putting "lumberjack" on his résumé. Thanks, Pennsylvania. Also, bought drugs in class while the teacher was out of the room. The only good PCI does for me. My day has been fairly eventful thus far.
**********
[On hilljacks at Wal-Mart]
Ginger: Is her brother the union man from Wife Swap?
Izzy: I wouldn't doubt it. Maybe her close cousin...but in those sorts of families, everyone's a close cousin.
Ginger: Nice use of double entendre, bestie.
**********
[Upon spying a very awful fashion choice]
Ginger: Please gaze upon this unfortunate equestrian coat with me.
Izzy: Hahahahaha ewwww.
Ginger: On a giiiiant lez too. The poor unfortunate fashion victims I prey upon using Port Authority Transportation...
Monday, November 23, 2009
A brief but important warning.
Attn: American Public
It has come to light that going out dancing with one's friends is not nearly as safe as was previously suspected. Have you been thinking that it'd be nice to throw on your sluttiest top, grab your girlfriends, and head to the club for some martinis, rufies, and some music you can awkwardly shake your ass to?
THINK AGAIN.
According to a recently popular song, there have been instances of club personnel having to call 9-1-1 due to raging fires on the dance floor. Another song states that the dance floor must be evacuated due to risk of infection by sound. It is rumoured that there have even been deaths by sick beats. Is this a mass conspiracy designed to destroy the morale of the American people, or perhaps an act of terrorism by anti-dancing cult members (founded under the principles of the dad from Footloose)? It's very possible.
Currently, there are investigations into the matter. For the time being, it is suggested that you either dance in your own living rooms in your underwear, or perhaps visit piano bars and wine bars instead. It has been stated that country western/line dancing bars are safety zones as well, but the author of this warning would like to interject and say that if you genuinely wish to visit these establishments, you should promptly go jump into shark-infested waters instead.
Be on the lookout, dear readers, and dance safely.
With love and lamé,
Isabella "Izzy" St. James
It has come to light that going out dancing with one's friends is not nearly as safe as was previously suspected. Have you been thinking that it'd be nice to throw on your sluttiest top, grab your girlfriends, and head to the club for some martinis, rufies, and some music you can awkwardly shake your ass to?
THINK AGAIN.
According to a recently popular song, there have been instances of club personnel having to call 9-1-1 due to raging fires on the dance floor. Another song states that the dance floor must be evacuated due to risk of infection by sound. It is rumoured that there have even been deaths by sick beats. Is this a mass conspiracy designed to destroy the morale of the American people, or perhaps an act of terrorism by anti-dancing cult members (founded under the principles of the dad from Footloose)? It's very possible.
Currently, there are investigations into the matter. For the time being, it is suggested that you either dance in your own living rooms in your underwear, or perhaps visit piano bars and wine bars instead. It has been stated that country western/line dancing bars are safety zones as well, but the author of this warning would like to interject and say that if you genuinely wish to visit these establishments, you should promptly go jump into shark-infested waters instead.
Be on the lookout, dear readers, and dance safely.
With love and lamé,
Isabella "Izzy" St. James
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