Cottages and communes.

Ginger: I just made a pun using pho.  We're eating it for lunch, and I said, "I'll take mine home, pho later!"

**********

Izzy: Bill has Purple Rain on vinyl.

Ginger: Is Chocolate Rain on the other side?

**********

Ginger: I had an awful day today and wish we could snuggle and smoke a bowl under my electric blanket.

Izzy: Me too, watching Saved by the Bell.  We watched X-Files last night (Adrian just got the 4th season) and it made me miss you terribly.

Ginger: It's just not the same watching it in Pitt than it was on that sketchy pulldown bed.

Izzy: I loved that bed.

Ginger: Me too...when it had sheets on and I couldn't see the sex and murder stains.

Izzy: Haha indeed, hopefully those two things didn't happen simultaneously.

Ginger: My apartment was most likely the set of a snuff film.

**********

Ginger: I wish you could shadow me sooo bad! PCI wouldn't know what hit them.

Izzy: We'd intellect-fuck them so hard they wouldn't walk right for weeks.

**********

Ginger: I love being a pain...it's really entertaining for me.

Izzy: Me too, I love to instigate.  Apparently it gets my pants stolen though.

Ginger: That's really not the worst thing that could happen.

Izzy: One day I'm going to wake up and find myself naked and in a tree in Belize.

Ginger: I hear they have great food and salsa dancing...

**********

Izzy: I think that if we really had our gnome cottage I would never need anything else out of life.  I wish we lived in a fairy tale.

Ginger: Slash action comic.  Really though, if I got to live in the gnome cottage forever I would be quite happy.

**********

Izzy: I just found a yarn called "riot eyelash", and one in a colour called "yummy white".  I lol'd.

**********

Ginger: The phrase "we're hungering after Jesus" was just used by a 12-year-old boy with a rat tail.  Named Levi.

Izzy: Sounds like Children of the Corn crossed with the legion of undead.  Zombies invade heaven...new movie idea?

Ginger: As long as there are plenty of where we're floating around with sparkly wings.

Izzy: Shooting at white trash zombies with our ray guns.

Ginger: Can God drive over them in a tank?

Izzy: YES.

**********

Ginger: I wish we could travel on giant hopping bunnies.

Izzy: That could be painful unless we get cushiony saddles to prevent impact damage to our hoo-has.  I might like a giant kangaroo that could put me in its pouch.

Ginger: That would be so velvety! And excellent for overnight travel.

Izzy: I always wondered...when marsupials get knocked up does their little pouch thing seal up? I find the marsupial birth process to be a bit confusing.

Ginger: As do I.  Is the baby actually born out of the pouch? Or does it just kind of grow in there? I mean, they're like super tiny, right? Like a grain of rice.

Izzy: Apparently they can weigh as little as 0.03 ounces at birth.  They are born (presumably out of the roo's hoo-ha) and then crawl into the pouch where they keep on nursing (so, do kangaroos have nipples in their pouches?) and developing.  They stay in there and don't leave for like 8 months to a year I think.  Marsupials are so fucking weird.

Ginger: Seriously weird.  I wonder if they're ever mistaken for bugs?

Izzy: The baby roos?

Ginger: Yeah, and like scratched off.

Izzy: Hahaha that would suck!

Ginger: Right? Kangaroos are sooo strange.

Izzy: I think I'd be a good kangaroo because I like to stash things, jump around, and kick people in the chest.

**********

Izzy: Arson, death, prostitution, affairs...why don't I watch Melrose Place?

**********

[The Virtues of the Gnome Cottage]

Izzy: I want a sailor outfit.  I am also waiting for the day when we're out traveling and exploring, and stumble across a location that we both instantly know is meant to be the gnome cottage.  That's how it goes in my head...a joyous discovery.

Ginger: Mine too...like we wander upon a lake, and decide we need to stay and build the cottage.

Izzy: In my head the cottage is on a hill with a stone path (surrounded by lots of wildflowers) going down to the lake (on the right side if you're facing the front of the cottage) where our ship is waiting and there are lots of willow trees.  On the left of the cottage is our hangar.  Lots of open meadows around but our cottage is shaded by tall trees, and we have a giant mushroom in the front to sit and read under on nice days with a light breeze and sunshine!

Ginger: That's almost exactly my picturing! Except the hill part, but literally identical.  It's fate...we must find this place.

Izzy: It's only a small hill, barely able to be classified as a hill, and a short distance to the lake :) Ohhh and lots of creeping ivy or that hanging moss stuff on the cottage to add charm and a feeling of home.  And of course a big chimney for our warm fireplace to sit in front of with hot cocoa in the winter.  Lots of marshmallows, of course.

Ginger: Can we have a hot chocolate room with brown walls and big white mushy bean bags as furniture?

Izzy: Hahaha that'd be so cute! We can make the walls look like you're inside a fun mug.  It should be round!

Ginger: Yes! We can have a turret and that can be the top room.

Izzy: Or it can be a treehouse! Oooh so many ideas...I want a trampoline and a moon bounce in the meadow or in the backyard somewhere, and a tire swing off of one of the willows.

Ginger: We can also have a tire swing into the lake!

Izzy: I was picturing it as such :)

Ginger: -sigh- This gnome cottage will be the crowning achievement of my life.

Izzy: Indeed.  I'll never want to leave and go back to the "real" world.

Ginger: Fuck that.  We can sustain ourselves and take drugs for days at a time.

Izzy: Life plan: made.

**********

Ginger: Ethan's mom got me a Snuggie for Christmas.  Thought you should be kept informed.  I hope it's the Weezer one.  Perhaps we can set it aflame?

Izzy: It's probably fireproof.  And made out of dragon scales and evil.

Ginger: I think those meet the California guidelines for flammable materials.

**********

Izzy: Our cool factor is augmented when we're together...we're obviously meant to be a duo.  I mean, the kids from Captain Planet were cool on their own but together they formed a mega earth-friendly crime-fighting blue-green dude.  That's kind of what I equate us to.  On that note we seriously need to get sweet power rings.

Ginger: Power rings would definitely enhance our power while together.  I think they should also match our jet packs and hot air balloons.

Izzy: Or they can be mood rings, usually fixed on whatever colour is assigned to AWESOME.

**********

Izzy: Every time I go to NC my obvious priority is to get laid by a man who adores me.  Aka anyone with eyes and a brain, what upppp!

**********

Ginger: Addie's birthday is going to be insaaane (in the membrane, obvs).

Izzy: Cypress Hill reference ftw.

**********

Ginger: If I just used the term "sexy getaway",  I have been reading Cosmo too much.

Izzy: It was kind of awesome and in my head I pictured something very drug store romance novel-esque, Fabio included.

**********

Izzy: We have a special bond and I think it confuses other people, like the smell of camels does to horses.

**********

Izzy: I wish I was Rafiki.  Then I could hold baby lions up on clilffs, smack people with my staff, and wipe my glowy cave paint berry juice on peoples' foreheads without consequence.

Ginger: I'm sure we could still do that, but we'd have to move to the free people commune in northern California.

Izzy: Do they allow you to hit people with sticks? That might still be unacceptable.  I do enjoy communes though.

Ginger: I think if it was for a life-changing experience to re-define who you are as a person, like it was for Simba, it would be.

**********

Ginger: Sitting next to a boy putting "lumberjack" on his résumé.  Thanks, Pennsylvania.  Also, bought drugs in class while the teacher was out of the room.  The only good PCI does for me.  My day has been fairly eventful thus far.

**********

[On hilljacks at Wal-Mart]

Ginger: Is her brother the union man from Wife Swap?

Izzy: I wouldn't doubt it.  Maybe her close cousin...but in those sorts of families, everyone's a close cousin.

Ginger: Nice use of double entendre, bestie.

**********

[Upon spying a very awful fashion choice]

Ginger: Please gaze upon this unfortunate equestrian coat with me.

Izzy: Hahahahaha ewwww.

Ginger: On a giiiiant lez too.  The poor unfortunate fashion victims I prey upon using Port Authority Transportation...

A brief but important warning.

Attn: American Public

It has come to light that going out dancing with one's friends is not nearly as safe as was previously suspected.  Have you been thinking that it'd be nice to throw on your sluttiest top, grab your girlfriends, and head to the club for some martinis, rufies, and some music you can awkwardly shake your ass to?

THINK AGAIN.

According to a recently popular song, there have been instances of club personnel having to call 9-1-1 due to raging fires on the dance floor.  Another song states that the dance floor must be evacuated due to risk of infection by sound.  It is rumoured that there have even been deaths by sick beats.  Is this a mass conspiracy designed to destroy the morale of the American people, or perhaps an act of terrorism by anti-dancing cult members (founded under the principles of the dad from Footloose)? It's very possible. 

Currently, there are investigations into the matter.  For the time being, it is suggested that you either dance in your own living rooms in your underwear, or perhaps visit piano bars and wine bars instead.  It has been stated that country western/line dancing bars are safety zones as well, but the author of this warning would like to interject and say that if you genuinely wish to visit these establishments, you should promptly go jump into shark-infested waters instead.

Be on the lookout, dear readers, and dance safely. 

With love and lamé,

Isabella "Izzy" St. James

A seriously needed update of ridiculousness.

Izzy: You know what boredom and curiosity lead to? Nair-ing your arm hair off.  On the bright side, they are as soft as a baby's bottom, minus the Desitin and poo remnants.

Ginger: I would hope you don't have poo remnants amidst your arm hairs.

Izzy: Nice.  And there are no arm hairs.  Oddly I kind of like it...

Ginger: I would understand...who would dislike velvety soft hairless forearms?

Izzy: Romanians?

Ginger: Now ask yourself, are Romanians really people?

Izzy: They're gypsies.  I'm jealous, I want to be a gypsy.  Maybe that's why I am mildly appalled that I Nair-ed my arms.

Ginger: I spent most of my childhood pretending to be/wishing I was a gypsy.

Izzy: As did I, praying that if I ever was, that I'd end up with someone less deformed than Quasimodo.  I wasn't into hunchbacked Frenchmen *shrugs*.  Plus, as I recall, he had really hairy forearms.  I could never be, we're too different.

Ginger: Who is? Also, I was so not okay with their height and age difference.  Q was at least 35.  He does have the in with talking gargoyles though...that's a definite perk.

Izzy: Don't hate on height differences lol.  I'm an amazon.  I feel like I need to be beating on my armoured chest plate and spearing things on the reg.

Ginger: And yet I usually see you frolicking and taking drugs...spearing things could be your day job I guess.

Izzy: I so tend to frolic quite a bit, don't I? Hmm.  I'm going to need to find something to do for the upcoming winter.  Frolicking in the snow leads to disaster and sore bums.

**********

[On Godspell]

Ginger: Have you seen Godspell? Despite religious undertones (because it's about Jesus' life or something), I desperately want to frolic with the hippies and wear a knitting bag as a hat.

Izzy: Who do you think I am? Of course I've seen Godspell, I love hippies and went to a Catholic school.  And now I have "Day by Day" stuck in my head.  Thanks, you camel crotch.

Ginger: Of course, I have no idea why I ever even had doubts...I really want it on DVD, I would watch it all the time.

Izzy: We can watch it together, repeatedly, then re-enact it.  Ethan is going to hate us.

Ginger: He will, if not already.  yesterday he told me he feels like I'd rather talk to you than do him :(  So not true...I enjoy both!

Izzy: We can't help it if our conversations are mentally orgasmic.  Just tell him we're getting all the bases covered.

Ginger: Lolz, that's good reasoning.  When do I get to see yooooou?

Izzy: Hopefully soon.  If I get laid I want to tell you about it in person, there are bound to be a lot of necessary hand gestures to accompany the conversation.

Ginger: Obvs, as any good conversation about getting laid has.

Izzy: Agreed.  I mean, between that and facial expression it's almost not even worth talking about any other way.

**********

Izzy: So I was thinking...is jizz the consistency that it is because proteins coagulate when heated (thanks, hospitality management)?

Ginger: I think it's because of the lack of fluid with the proteins.  So, we're both right?

**********

Izzy: If I have a predeliction for blowjobs, can I save time an just say I have a predicklicktion?

Ginger: I think so...but I think only the most intellectual (aka ballers like us) will find it humorous.

Izzy: It's a bit of a mouthful.  Pun intended.

**********

Ginger: Come to my windooow, I'll be home soo-oon.  Crawl insiide, wait by the light of the moo-oon.

Izzy: That made my life complete.

**********

Ginger: There is an unimpressed looking little puppy in a carrier on the T.  It's terribly adorable.

Izzy: Steal it.

Ginger: I totally would, but it's in the lap of I think Zeus himself...if Zeus were in any way a black man.

**********

Ginger: Somebody just asked if you were "my girl".  I felt like saying yes just for funsies.

Izzy: Lol who was it?

Ginger: This kid in my class...I was on your Facebook and he asked.

Izzy: You should tell him that we're in love and going to raise camels together.

Ginger: Egads! So many possibilities, sadly I was honest.  I would like to raise camels with you, though.  Coincidentally, my post to you concerned camels.

**********

[Ginger's Random Tangents]

Ginger: Ethan bet a boy ten dollars he wouldn't eat a cricket in the alley, and he did but then gave the money back.  He essentially at a cricket for funsies.  Boys. Are. So. Weird.

Ginger: I think I'm gonna do a blog about my ideal wedding- aka an excuse to have acrobats and firedancers riding elephants.

Ginger: Jailbait's the best bait.

Ginger: Just made a dramatic exit that you would be proud of...I announced I had a wang? Kicked three chairs and a trashcan, and threw the door open and yelled, "peace suckas!".

Ginger: WHO CAN'T PRONOUNCE CANCUN? Answer: my classmates.  FML.  This kid is presenting to the calss and was like "I can't pronounce this Mexican place...C-a-n-c-u-n" and then he didn't realize it was in Mexico.  He thought it was an American city.

Ginger: We're so in sync we're almost N*Sync.

Ginger: I feel like G wouldn't understand Xanadu unless she was on E.

Ginger: I love geekin' out :) Both with drugs and with knowledge.

**********

[On being hit on by creeps.]

Ginger: Ahahahaha...you should have said "does it look like I like boys?" and they shut up.  It's very helpful for male creepers.  It does, however, tend to attract female ones.  It's worth it, though, I personally feel.

--Izzy's responses to this portion are undocumented--

Ginger: What did he say after you answered? P.S., I heard this girl talking to her friend and was like "and the stupid bitch got 'army girl' tattooed as a tramp stamp and he's gonna dump her next week anyway, and everyone knows but no one said anything."

Ginger: Oooh, what a draw a carwash has vs. the Marines...you're making the wrong decision, bestie.  I'm obligated to tell you to think about this offer a little more instead of making a rash decision.

***********

Izzy: I'm in a bar in South Carolina and someone just segued from Happy Birthday into the national anthem...then started beat boxing it.

Ginger: Is that the Hot Cross Buns of beat boxing, everyone can do it?

**********

Izzy: You know how people usually write things like "wash me" on the back of dirty semi trucks? Just saw something that trumps that- this truck said "bare hooters".  Seriously.  I almost wish it had been spelled wrong so it could say bear hooters...even better.

**********

Izzy: Soo, you're not really supposed to have female visitor's in the men's barracks.  Naturally I had to have sex there.  I love screwing around with government properties...good thing I'm not a sponsored nuclear physicist or something.

**********

Izzy: I got weird looks at the BP in Virginia and the girl who sold me cigs talked to me like I'm an imbecile even though she looked like she had killed brain cells in abundance.  Naturally I dropped a bomb in their bathroom.

Ginger: Always a good defense.  And it's covertly vindictive enough not to look planned.

Izzy: The gift shop was full of hats and other things sporting horses, Nascar, Confederate flags, camo, and hunting shit.  Quite frankly I think droppin' a deuce improved the atmosphere. 

Ginger: It would have improved the gift shop if you had pooed on some of the Nascar memorabilia.

Izzy: Agreed but if I sneaked it back to the bathroom they might think I'm a thief.  I'd end up in jail with dudes named Bubba and Hoss.  I try to avoid that.

Ginger: Especially Hoss.  He is certainly not a friendly gent.  You could also have dropped trou inside the store, but most likely with the same results.

**********

Izzy: 1 mile to a place called Poplar Camp...it invoked visions of trees enjoying kayaking and employing the buddy system.

Ginger: Hey man, even Batman uses the buddy system.

**********

Izzy: Wood Education and Resource Center...good game, West Virginia.

**********

Ginger: I like women who braid their hair and stick it through the hole in the back of their ball cap like it's Beach Day '95.

Izzy: YES.  Especially when they wear cobalt blue nylon shorts and shirts with the sleeves ripped off.

Ginger: And a swishy jacket in case it gets chilly.  And big plastic sunglasses.

Izzy: With the neon arms, preferably green, orange, or the occasional pink.  Wind breaker track suits for when it's chilly because you know those shorts are light and airy!

Ginger: Those track pants are also for early morning jobs with ankle weights.

**********

[On seeking revenge.]

Ginger: can I send you a shield of mind bullets and sunshine to keep the bad stuff away? Heard from dickface yet?

Ginger: Well, good then.  You can meet me and bring the baseball bats wrapped in viper fangs.  I got your back, boo.  I'm gonna fill the shot glass full of hemlock and shoot it through a cannon at him.

Izzy: Haha.  Deadly nightshade! <3

Ginger: I feel that this plan has no flaws.

Izzy: Agreed.  Where are we going to get a cannon?

Ginger: The barn where we keep out mini-horse cavalry and jetpacks.

Izzy: Can we have a secret underground lair to keep weaponry and captives?

Ginger: Duh, that's what the retina-scan elevator is for by the tackle shed.

**********

Ginger: We could so look like hot mechanics and give all the boys and girls boners.

**********

Izzy: I have somehow managed to connect my genetic heritage to Vikings (thanks to Wikipedia, source of all truth and enlightenment).  The best part about it? I'm not even high.

Ginger: well anyone who is blond or redheaded is descended from Vikings too.  Yeah Vikes! Bein' all pillagey and shit.

Izzy: New pickup line: "hey baby, can I pillage your village?".

**********

Ginger: Just tried to say Led Zeppelin, but said Lez Zeppelin instead.  New porn idea?

**********

Izzy: Lol fickling is a funny word.  Like a cross between fucking and tickling.  Fake tickle fights ftw!

*********

[On the formation of our camelry.]

Izzy: A camel cavalry is called a camelry, and desert warriors or soldier often fought camel-back with spears, bows, or rifles.  Plus according to folklore, camel smell disorients horses which makes a horse cavalry essentially useless against them...lawlz.

Ginger: So when we storm the capital and takeover, a camelry is the best choice.  Good looking out, bestie.  Dromedary knowledge is useful.

Izzy: I would name my camel Ramses.

Ginger: It's an excellent camel name.  I would like mine to be called Bonaparte.

Izzy: Bill's camel would be Hitler, Adrian's would be Serge, and Tommy's would be Phineas.  I'm surveying the masses.

Ginger: Good, we can't have unnamed camels in our camelry.

Izzy: Apparently our friend Tom's will be Yoseph, Adrian just informed me of this.  Leave no stone unturned, and no camel unnamed!

Ginger: We truly know how to plan for camel-driven domination.

**********

[On future tattoo plans.]

Ginger: I thought Jen's face was going on your butt cheek. 

Izzy: No Jen's name, her face is going on our friend Nate's butt cheek.  And I will have to be very very drunk to get a buttoo.

Ginger: I do not want a buttoo at all.

Izzy: I was too lazy to write out butt tattoo so I just smooshed it together and made a new word.  I feel so Tyra Banks right now.

Ginger: I love how Perez calls her Tyrannasaurus.  She totes is, but faboosh at the same time.  I like the word buttoo.

Izzy: Tyra is very T-Rex like.  Intimidating but also captivating.

Ginger: And majestic.

Izzy: Yayyyyy! Let me know when you check it out.  If we got it I'd so feel like a sailor.

Ginger: We should probably arrange our adult lives so that we ALWAYS feel like sailors.

**********

Izzy: Just went to a psychic who seemed to give a pretty damn accurate reading but then wanted me to drop $240 for her to do a meditation with me to rid me of some of my negative energy before December 12th, which is apparently going to be a turning point in my life.  From now on I'm just going to All Messages at the Spiritualist Church.  It's free and once a month.

Ginger: No kidding! For $240, I want a harem of seraphim to follow me singing everywhere to compliment my solid gold aura.

Izzy: For serious.  At least 24 karats and perfect harmonies or I want a refund.

**********

Izzy: Dr. Phil just told this kid that he became a passenger on the drug train.  Where the fuck is this train station? I wanna travel!

Ginger: I want a pass with my picture and everything! Must join!

WTF?!

Whilst perusing the internet at very near 5 o'clock in the morn, we stumbled across the following:




Be overwhelmingly terrified.

With martyrs and mastodons,

Izzy and Ginger

The (Questionable) Morals and Values of Izzy and The Ginge

As much as Izzy and I adhere to the statement "Never fux in '09'', it's time there was an informational tutorial about the core values in which we live our lives.

1) Never fux in '09
 The origin of "no fux" began in 2007, when a good friend of Izzy's decided that an appropriate New Years' resolution would be "no fux in '07".  This eventually became "still no fux in '08" and, to continue the non-relinquishing of fux, "never fux in '09".  This is sometimes interchanged with the term "goose fux", which came about accidentally when Izzy's ADD decided to go on a rampage one day; luckily Ginger was there to 1) get her back on track and 2) witness the glorious creation that is "goose fux" and thus make mental note of the term to use later.  The term "fux" is an abbrev of "fucks" as most can probably deduce, and to give goose fux about something is to in fact not care at all.  The word goose was added because a zero can sometimes be referred to as a goose egg.  Also, and more importantly, geese are notorious for never ever giving fux, even in the most dire circumstances.  Thus, we never give a fuck in 2009.

2) Drugs and business mix nicely
Now, it's probably no surprise that Izzy and I advocate freely the use of hippie drugs.  We lay around and are silly and come up with excellent ideas, so why not?  I think that marijuana is a victimless crime, and should be legalized.  It would have been legalized in the late eighties and early nineties and was almost granted, but then crack blew up the streets and sent all of us hippies back to a life of hardcore criminal behavior (aka smoking in my bed with no pants on). I digress. There is nothing wrong with a little mind alteration, especially when near a kitchen to make delicious delicacies.  Seeing as we live in a gnome cottage, we live around very large and colourful fungi, somewhat like Smurfs (although that's where the similarities stop).  You get the picture.

3) Machetes and capes are always necessary for every occasion
Izzy keeps hers in the trunk of her car, mine is in the living room for easy retrieval when leaving on crime-fighting missions.  The point is, one must keep everything on hand that are daily requirements. Capes are always appropriate attire for any event, whether formal or informal.  Machetes are useful for cutting down heavy rainforest vines, signaling traffic, and making stir-fry. The point is, don't leave the house unprepared.

4) Everyone likes pirates and dinosaurs
Even Hallmark had a "Grandmas like dinosaurs" commercial, and who doesn't like to wear a singular earring and add "ARR!" to prelude every sentence? I routinely draw cartoon dinosaurs doing various activities instead of classwork and send them to numerous friends and relatives.  A dinosaur holding a valentine is much more romantic than a plain old valentine, and a Mother's Day song is a little sweeter when sung as a sea shanty with a mug of ale.  So make the day better, add a dinosaur or pirate.


Peace and Pasties,
Ginger
(with a bit of input from Izzy, because she can't seem to keep ideas to herself)

And now...

[[ *time for a brief dance interlude!* ]]


We'll be back soon, it's been quite a busy week at the gnome cottage!
Dance tiem plzkthx!

Love and lemondrops,
Izzy

More Threats Facing America

Ginger: Warning! Soccer moms have become aware of the recent popularity surge of the fannypack amoing hipsters and have started attempting to integrate the trend back in style. Abort! Abort!

It's true, there are some scary, scary new threats that should be on America's radar.  Fannypacks (which should not even be popular with the Ironic Hipster) are becoming seen more at an alarming rate.  Louis Vuitton designed an fannypack and Chanel a fannypack/wallet to strap on your ankle. This. Has. Got. To. Stop.  Shoulders are for purses and murses and backpacks. Waists are for belts.  Waists are not for backpacks. As awesome as acidwash was, it does not belong in a "convenient" seatbelt-purse-belt combination.

Also, small barettes not holding hair back...just kind of clipped on the side of the head.  These are generally small and bright plastic, found on Hot Topic emo-punk kids.  Both sexes have straight, flat bangs and teased crunchy hair in the back, like a messy Dyke Spike. These are also usually a combination of bleach and neon colors of varying lengths.  Anyway, I digress. In the flat bangs, there can usually be found a small plastic child's barret in the shape of an apple, bunny, or flower.  They serve no purpose, except to shout to the general population "I am a pack rat! If I am not, I went to the Dollar General and bought these so I look like a pack rat!" in an attempt to look Alternative and XHardXCoreX with a touch of StraightXEdgeXXXXXX. This has also got to stop, for the sake of your little sister's hair accessories. These barrettes are what is keeping Dollar General afloat though. :-/

Fast Food Iced Coffee Drinks...We go to Starbucks for a reason. It is to buy overpriced, albeit fantastic coffee and coffee-like beverages.  If McDonald's goes and gets a selection for the same price but 12 times the size, they are just going to win in their cospiracy plot to ruin America by making us all so fat we can't have an active military any longer, and thus lose our World Power Status. Please, it's the more you know. Truth be told though, I would sacrifice any sort of actual life and be 900lbs and on the TLC series "Half Ton Post-Grad" if i got to drink Burger King's Iced Mocha 18 hours a day. I would put a gun in my sweet grandmother's mouth for a lifetime supply. Not pull the trigger, but just inside. You know you would too.

Who wants a mustache ride?

According to Wikipedia (the most reliable source for accurate information on the planet, obviously):

The word "moustache" derives from 16th century French moustache, which in turn is derived from the Italian mostaccio (14th century), dialectal mustaccio (16th century), from Medieval Latin mustacium (8th century), Medieval Greek moustakion (attested in the 9th century), which ultimately originates as a diminutive of Hellenistic Greek mustax (mustak-) "moustache", probably derived from Hellenistic Greek mullon "lip".

Mustaches have apparent significance, or they wouldn't have such a long etymology.  The fact that there is World Beard and Moustache Championships should alone make you step back in admiration and awe the next time you see a well-groomed mustachio. So what is it about the mustache that has such power over us?
Let's start at the beginning.  The baby mustache, also called the shit 'stache, starts as small hairs at the corner of one's lip, typically in pubescent boys and very unfortunate females (don't worry, ladies, there is always a career waiting for you as a freakshow attraction).  Depending on what sort of ethnic background you have, this could start almost immediately after exiting the womb.  Eventually the mustache gets bored and decides to branch out, spreading inwards to meet in the middle of the lip and outwards to join forces with the potential beard.
Now, this can sometimes be tricky; personally, I think to think of it as the Oregon Trail of facial hair travel- some can ford the river, and some can't [note: eventually, everyone will die of dysentery, but that is irrelevant at the present time].  You see, many boys and men alike, and probably a few of those unfortunate women, suffer from what my brothers like to call the "patch of fertility" (in an obvious attempt to make themselves feel more masculine).  We've all seen it: those small, stubborn patches of hairless space on the sides of the mouth that just won't connect the moustache to the rest of the beard. 
Regardless of whether or not you have awkward bald spots on the side of your mouth, growing a moustache is still rather impressive and looks quite distinguished if you can pull it off.  A moustache is indicative that you are a person of power and importance.  Who, in history, has not had a moustache and made a true impact on this planet? Just n00bz who happened to get lucky.  From Salvador Dali to Teddy Roosevelt, from Freddy Mercury to Friedrich Nietzsche.  Gandhi had one.  Abraham Lincoln only secured the presidency after growing facial hair.  Should you ever desire a position of power (or perhaps notoriety), a mustache is an essential piece of the puzzle.
That being said, there is both proper and improper use of mustaches.  A mustache can be used to attain greatness, but it can also be your downfall.  Let's take a look at mustache failure, shall we? A very expansive genre of mustache-wearers are creeps.  This can include many sub-genres including pedophiles (I guarantee if you check your local anti-pedo website about 90% of perpetrators will be sporting some sort of mustache) and hardcore Nascar and/or WWE fans, which are often interchangeable.
Many nefarious villains and wily criminals have mustaches.  I mean, have you seen Mel Gibson lately? In the proper form, a mustache can be quite intimidating indeed, and a sign that someone has less-than-friendly intentions for you.  One minute you could be admiring their well-waxed mustache curls, and the next you'll find yourself tied to railroad tracks while a train rapidly approaches with no help in sight.  Dictators, a great example of shady characters, unfailingly sport upper-lip fur.  An easy reference is the Hitler mustache; if anyone looks like they accidentally got a poo smudge on their upper lip, run! They may try to force you and your family into labour camps.  Not cool. 
Cops are another story.  It's often difficult to tell if they are the hero or the villain, because they are simply using the mustache to appear to be bad ass.  Due to the use of aviator sunglasses by many officers, it will be nearly impossible to catch any sort of joyful glimmer or evil gleam in their eyes.  If I were you, I would simply try to avoid any brush with the law if at all possible.  Civil war re-enactment actors may also be a bit shifty, so I recommend that you be wary.  A fu-manchu either means that you are going to be given sage advice, or you are going to be ninja-chopped right in the throat faster than you can say "wax on, wax off".
It is important to educate yourselves on what sort of mustaches are used by whom, so it is easy to determine if someone is approachable or is likely to do you in.  Until you are confident in your ability to do so, you should politely decline any offers for a ride on another person's mustache.  Just remember- it's a mustache, not a carousel.  If you are interested in growing a mustache it is also beneficial to be educated so that you make sure you aren't giving off the wrong impression to others, as this could be very detrimental to your social life and, most importantly, your ability to get laid.
So, dear friends, I urge you to go forth into the world and explore the complicated existence of the mustache.  You can thank me later.

Love and licorice,
Izzy

Flannel and boots not of the lumberjack persuasion.

Now, we all know the 90's flew by in a whirl of flannel, grunge, and TV sitcoms.  But there are several identifying patterns in most 90's-produced television shows.

1. Boys using ladders to visit female friends.
Zack did it, Sam did it, you wish you could have too. I'm talking about 90's TV directors' penchant for having male characters arrive in female friends' rooms via ladder. Mostly bedecked in flannel (a staple of the average 90's teenager) they came to deliver poignant advice or words of comfort. Zack Morris only entered best friend Jessie Spano's room by her door once in the entire run of the series. He usually climbed in through the window, although whether or not he actually used a ladder is still a discrepancy. With Sam on the other hand, Clarissa's neighbor from Clarissa Explains It All, we always saw the very tip of the ladder enter the window-frame followed by the telltale few-bar musical interlude. Sam also entered Clarissa's room only once through the door, which prompted a discussion between the two about how weird it was and how it never happened.

2. Flannel. 
Now, I assume most boys of the 90's aspired to be something like Kirk Cameron's character in Growing Pains. Nowadays however, he's a religious zealot who preaches about the coming Apocalypse. Nobody actually wants to be like Kooky Kirk anymore, but a little more than a decade ago we all did. He lived in the garage, wore flannel button-ups, and listened to the ever-popular-but-now-isn't-actually-around-anymore grunge genre. Flannel wasn't just limited to boys though; both DJ Tanner and Blossom rocked out some edgy green lumberjack-wear. Flannel was a staple of wardrobes all across the nation, as was air-guitaring after school to Smashing Pumpkins. Ahhh, the good old days.

3. Construction Boots.
I had them, I know you did too. Those yellow slightly-soft-when-you-first-get-them boots with the brown and yellow woven laces. They go particularly well with skirts with spandex shorts under them for female characters, and match beautifully with Wranglers and a flannel shirt over a tee with a left-breast pocket, usually red.  Socks bunched over the top, matching the skirt, like a mountainous climb could happen at any moment. I mean, I realize the hills of San Francisco are steep...but construction boots? Seems a bit overkill.

4. Family sitcoms in general are a sad idea of the past. 
Who doesn't need a good lesson in family after a hard day at school? It's also a good way for creepy stalkers to watch their objects of desire grow up. That aside, one does truly miss watching Cory and Eric get into some type of shenanigans with Mr. Feeny's prize garden. Reruns are still good, but different once one is older than the characters. Sitcoms were successful because they had a character for every age group to identify with, and thus making it a show the entire family liked to watch. They also had ballin' laughtracks, and who doesn't like to be told when to laugh and feel connected with families all over the land?

5. Hairstyles.  
Uncle Jesse brought out the inner bad boy in everyone from the age of 8-45 with his studly leather jacket and rock 'n' roll mullet.  He also renewed interest in Elvis impersonators.  Shawn Hunter's shaggy brown locks made the girls' knees go weak.  Also characteristic of sitcoms were long sideburns, so girls could run their fingers through something before puberty brought boys beards and other forms of facial hair.  Really, the 90's hair was the same as 80's hair, just deflated.  Friends especially- Jennifer Aniston's hair ("The Rachel") was one of the most epic of the era.



Well, I personally enjoyed that blast from the past.  It also gave me an excuse to talk about everything I think about on a normal basis, and provide some sort of filing system for my mind to refer back to. Anyway, hope everyone has a good day and is continuing to save up for adult space camp.

Peace and Gypsy-Wishes,
Ginge

We talk about spandex a lot.

Izzy: Watching My Fake Fiancé (with Melissa Joan Hart). It makes me want to stage a wedding.

Ginger: I don't think I've actually seen that one, but it sounds faboo.

Izzy: Sabrina the Teenage Witch ages to Sabrina the manipulative 20-something.

Ginger: Lolz, sounds about right...She's married with 3 kids or something now. Man, Clarissa Explains It All was my favorite show.

Izzy: I've always wanted to have a friend who came over by climbing into my window with a ladder. That was fairly common in the 90's.

Ginger: Where did all the ladders go? Most of them were blond too...correlation?

Izzy: I always associate ladder climbing with Aryans in flannel, don't you? But wasn't Clarissa's neighbor (Sam) a brunette? Maybe it's just the blonds that have the most desirable windows.

Ginger: Well, it could also have something to do with "blonds have more fun" which is why they pre-arrange to have attractive windows to provide a pleasurable experience for the individual doing the sneaking in?

Izzy: I can't get "Come to my Window" out of my head now. Also 90's, wasn't it?

Ginger: Yes! Oh my god I've had it stuck in my head too since we started the whole windows discussion!

It never ceases to amaze me how we get into such elaborate discussions about obscure pop culture icons.

**********

Ginger: We are full of potential growth, esp. our tatas.

Izzy: Omg I hope not. I'd cry.

Ginger: Meee too...But it would be kind of cool if we could make them grow when we dressed as superheroes and fought crime, then they could be normal size the rest of the time.

Izzy: Our tatas are never normal sized as it is. Could I keep them like this for crime fighting then go down to C cups for my everyday activities?

Ginger: I think that's arrangeable...as long as crime fighting is still involved.

Izzy: Of course.

Ginger: Excellent...I can see us majestically standing on top of a building, surveying our peaceful, crime-free village.

Izzy: Hands on our hips, grins on our faces, beaming with pride.

Ginger: Yes, spandex bodysuits glistening in the moonlight.

**********

Ginger: I wish you could prowl the streets looking for tweakers with me.

**********

Izzy: On my way to work. I also decided if I listen to Lady Gaga the whole way to NC it will be game on...Poker Face? No. She makes me get my sex face on. I'll take Lejeune by storm. Anyone who thinks we're NOT gonna do it...too bad, game over. Hurricane Iz is a-brewin'.

Ginger: It will be like La Niña all up in NC.

Izzy: La Hoo-ha *grins*

Ginger: Hehehehehehehe.  A big storm or a vaginal takeover...whichev, they're practically the same.

Izzy: That made me think of little uniformed lemming men invading my girl parts.  I'm not gonna lie, I panicked for a second.

 

**********

Izzy: Double threat. The Shuttlecocks-prowling the streets, bustin' crimes and bustin' rhymes.

Ginger: We bust rhymes instead of heads...can we have rap/dance offs with our foes?

Izzy: It'll be like West Side Story but with a Tupac vs. Biggie twist.

Ginger: Can we make up little rhyming songs like the Oompa Loompas in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? The one with Gene Wilder, of course.

Izzy: Only if we can have our choreography include 1980's style break dancing.

Ginger: And pants...Have you seen Breakin' 2? It can be like that.

Izzy: Fuck. Yes.

**********

Ginger: Who doesn't like gaybourhoods and trannies?

Izzy: Again...Republicans.

Ginger: Pfft, they're hardly rational citizens of society.

Izzy: Republicans like trannies and hookers in secret.  They call it scandal, I call it a good weekend.

Ginger: I like a good scandalous weekend. Keeps the heart young.

**********

Ginger: You will not be a cat lady...someone with plans to wear capes, have a gnome cottage with a kraken in the lake and pilots hot air balloons would never be a crotchety old cat lady.

Izzy: What if I'm a dog lady who bakes snickerdoodles for the neighbourhood children?

Ginger: That's acceptable.  Mainly because snickerdoodles are fucking delicious.

Izzy: So it's acceptable for me to die alone as long as I make delicious baked goods?

**********

Ginger: Kid Rock boy has started parting his hair in the middle and slicking back both halves...who fooled him into thinking that looks socially acceptable? He's also planning his first tattoo...his high school mascot.  He went to Youngstown and was in the computer club.  Someone please blow this kid before his interests completely cripple any social skills he may have at one time had.

**********

Ginger: Some girl walking by just said, "I wish I had an excuse to dress as a pirate everyday."  Now I ask, does one actually need an excuse?

**********

Ginger: I like to text you my thoughts throughout the day while you're asleep, because I like to think you smile upon wakening.

Izzy: You're precious :)

**********

Ginger: Balls to the wall? How about vaginas to the ceiling, motherfucker!

**********

Ginger: I feel like the coach in Remember the Titans could be the next Hitler.  He is so persuasive!

Izzy:  Except it's Denzel so he'd be persuading me to let him be my baby daddy.  And I'd oblige.

Ginger: I just lol'd all over the couch.  

Apparently what makes a good sports movie is survivor's guilt.  Remember the Titans, We Are Marshall...I fucking hate sports.

**********

Ginger: Gadzooks, I wouldn't want to be Brazilian tonight.  Or ever, really.  You think they're born with Brazilian waxes?

Izzy: No, they're born with full beards which is why they wax so damn much.

Ginger: Ooooh good point.  My eyebrows need to be bushwhacked asap.

Izzy: Lol.  I hope they shape them like giraffes, or perhaps ballerinas. 

**********

Izzy: Good news: listening to You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall & Oates while getting a bikini wax makes it much more pleasant.   Like every time you rip something off or wince in pain it's like a sweet dance move.

Ginger: I imagined you doing the Saturday Night Fever dance move but naked and with wax strips.

Izzy: That was my intention.

**********

Ginger: Whitney Houston had the first celebrity meltdown.  Britney Spears can only hope to achieve Whitney-level downward spirals.

Izzy: And Whitney has crack.  What does B. Spears have besides a crazy eye and Dr. Phil?

Ginger: Hair clippers and Prozac.  Aka NADA.

Unmedicated ADD

Ginger: Soooo Joe put flour in my hairdryer last night, so when I turned it on this morning flour went everywhere and now my hair smells like burned bread, as well as our bathroom...it was hilarious though.

**********

[On the perks of dating Navy personnel]

Izzy: He's tall, can whisper me sweet nothings in Spanish, I can take awesome sailor pin up shoots and say "hey sailor" all the time (with a wink of course), and speak openly of my love for seamen.

Ginger: Ahahaha, based on all of those perks I'm making Ethan join the Navy...esp. the Spanish sweet nothings and winking.

**********

Ginger: YES...drugs for business and pleasure.

**********

Izzy: The only kind of heroine I like is the kind that wears capes.

Ginger: And spandex to show off her well-developed glutes from fighting crime. 

**********

Ginger: I might need your help reorganizing this blog, I don't think it's confusing but my train of thought is like a herd of cats.

**********

Ginger: If we become famous, I'm buying a pair of britches just to wear when I'm feeling snappy and powerful...with suspenders of course.

Izzy: And perhaps a vest and pocket watch.  And by perhaps I really mean indubitably.  

Ginger: Monocle as well?

********** 

Ginger: We will be such ballin' old people...full of tattoos and liquor.

**********

Izzy: I only know how to fuck peoples' shit up or pie them in the face.  I am sadly poorly-equipped when it comes to pranks that aren't in some way harmful.

**********

Izzy: I feel like if any song was an appropriate theme song for us it'd be Regulators...you'd be Warren G and I'd be Nate Dogg.

**********

[From Beastie Boys to Golden Girls?]

Izzy: For some reason, when I hear Intergalactic Planetary by the Beastie Boys, I feel invincible.  I probably shouldn't listen to this on acid.

Ginger: You would try to fly from the roof with wings made out of feather dusters and melted Yankee candles.

Izzy: True, but if someone was persistent enough they could probably get me to do that sober.

Ginger: Good point...but halfway finished we'd probably run out of feather dusters, drive to WalMart to get more, and get sidetracked by play-doh and bicycle horns.

Izzy: I wish my car horn played La Cucaracha or the Mexican Hat Dance.

Ginger: I've wanted a horn that sings La Cucaracha since that one episode of Boy Meets World when their aunt or something shows up and has one.

Izzy: It was their grandma aka Blanche from The Golden Girls.  I know too much about this...

**********

[On aging]

Izzy: What are we going to do when we're old and neither of us remember? Probably just surprise attack people in the nursing home by leaping at them, cardigan sweaters all spread out like wings...sword fighting with our canes...mackin' it to hot doctors and nurses.  I'm officially excited.

Ginger: That sounds like everything I've ever wanted to do in one place.  And as soon as I read "nursing home" I thought about surprise attacking people with cardigan-wings...it's something I've always wanted to do.

Izzy: We should practice that soon.  Build up our leapin' strength.

Ginger: We'll have to start now if we want to prepare for large amounts of leaping...but, we'll also have massive collections of capes if we're sent to a nursing home.  Because we would totes still be on book tour and hot air ballooning for as long as we could.

Izzy: We'll have to get them to put a balloon launch pad on top of the roof.

Ginger: How much extra do you think they'll charge us a month? What if we gave all residents free rides in exchange for free use of the roof?

Izzy: Except dementia patients and those who would poo in our balloon basket.  Unacceptable.

Ginger: I will not tolerate willy-nilly pooing anywhere in, near, or around our basket.

Izzy: We should set up a speaker system in our balloon and insist on blasting the Red Hot Chili Peppers version of Love Rollercoaster at all times.

Ginger: Or Yellow Submarine to be ironic.

Izzy: I do enjoy irony.  Maybe a bit of Leaving on a Jet Plane on somber occasions.

Ginger: Like when we balloon around the world and will be gone for months.

Izzy: I can't wait to get old!

**********

[On Izzy's future as a fugitive]

Izzy: I just drove the 'Vette...I feel like I could've run over children and gotten away with it.

Ginger: Ahhahaha, did you hit any speed bumps on your short but lightning fast journey?

Izzy: Hell no, but I told the whole running children over thing to my brother Matt and he's like "yeah, or be hanging out the back with a shotgun and shooting at cops...".  I feel like he and I should never be allowed in that vehicle together.

Ginger: Oh Jesus...the next time I see a high-speed pursuit on TV, I'll look for a speeding orange bullet bound for the Motherland.

Izzy: The mounties would come for us.  And you can't drive the 'Vette in the winter.  It'll have to be Mexico, at least for a little while.  WHY AM I PLANNING THIS?!

**********

Ginger: Are all n00bz that dared challenge thee appropriately pwn3d?

Izzy: As soon as I gave 'em the stink eye they knew they had no chance.

Ginger: The weak and cowardly quiver under your powerful gaze...like a sexy Skeletor.

Izzy: I'm pretty sure that's the best compliment I've ever received.  I just about teared up a bit.

And now it's time to play "Name That Gender"!

Art students are notorious for being relatively androgynous, or as we occasionally like to refer to it: "gender fucked".  They tend to have that anorexic coke addict build, sport the same shaggy haircuts, wear similar indie thrift store finds.  The addition of eyeliner and/or black nail polish can add to even greater confusion.  It's rare that you'll be able to determine an art student as being female by her accessories; carting around their art supplies box and portfolio leads little room for frivolous things such as purses.  Not only that, but if you so much as try to get a name you will either find that it is a unisex name or they've changed it to something to better reflect their artistic vision.  "Excuse me, Raven Heart, may I bum a cigarette?"  [[Sometimes though, they use names that most have not heard since they left Romania in 1847. ie Krizia, Beatrix, or Fiona. This aids in determining gender sometimes, unless they have chosen the name to be 'ironic' and their real name is Ben. -Ginge]]
If you live on or near a college campus (or even better, an art institute), and you find yourself restless with nothing to do, take full advantage of your location! Grab a few good friends, find a comfortable spot to sit, and wait...
Is it male? Is it female? Is it neither, or maybe both? Who knows! You can spend countless hours pondering the mystery of the so-called gender binary and attempting to determine if it was in fact Ziggy Stardust that just walked by.  You may even wax nostalgic for the first time you ever saw the music video for "Mmmbop".  Man, that Taylor Hanson was one hot chick.  I wonder what she's up to these days?

Love and lost causes,
Izzy

Deceptigenarians-the new threat facing America.

Izzy: Judging by this old dude I just passed, Hoverounds are not nearly as speedy as I had speculated. Bummer. I like when people put flags on the back.

Ginger: I think the rippling plastic of the flags make it appear that Hoverounds move faster than they actually do...Pretty sneaky, geriatrics.

Izzy: That's so deceptive. In my mind I just thought of Decepticons and octogenarians at the same time and accidentally coined a new term for them-Deceptigenarians.

Pwniforms?

Now, Izzy and I pwn n00bz like nobody's business, so I have crafted this handy online manual for those who are less adept at pwning the n00bz around them.
Sadly, nothing as good as VSP and EHD on the T this morning. But Izzy and I did come to the conclusion that we need some sort of uniform for pwning n00bz, which naturally would be called a pwniform. A pwniform is appropriate for both lollercoasters and the lawlercaust, so no worries. You will need a helmet for pwning aboard a roflcopter though, so please be prepared. It is always easier to pwn when following safety precautions.
Also helpful for pwning and irritating n00bz is lolspeak. This is specifically helpful when done in a falsetto voice while speaking like an I Can Haz Cheezburger cat. Lolspeak will do two things when unleashed in public. The cool half of the general population will share in teh lolz, and maybe extend the hand of nerdy friendship and share their own witty lolspeak comment. This will generally sound something like, "I can haz date plz?" if they are totes adorbs and want a date with you (most desired outcome, mainly because of the multi-tasking that happens...pwnage and a date? Game. Set. Match.), or, "I haz teh lolzers from that epic pwning". This second comment can help band those of us gnarly enough to understand the pwning that just took place.
Now, one new to pwning may ask, "What type of uniform will best help me pwn those around me?" Well, dear friend, I haz teh answer. A pwniform is unique to each person. It is generally something the pwner feels most comfortable in, or the costume of their alter-ego. I personally prefer to be wearing some sort of cape/Cracker Jack Sailor outfit. If pwning lumberjacks however, I make sure to wear flannel and carry a pickaxe.  [[ Izzy says: A stack of flapjacks is always good to create a diversion.  For vikings, a battle axe or perhaps a broad sword.  Shurikens work well for ninjas.  You get the point- keep it situationally appropriate. ]]
Lastly, in the post-pwn moments, please have another pwn prepared in case you happen to insult a fellow who has pwned before and will pwn again. If you can one-up your opwnent (lolz) you will be the superior pwner. And let's face it, if you have your pwniform on you will be much more likely to deliver a fatal, pwning blow. But, in the off-chance that they sling a zinger back at you, expecting you to crumple in your Pwning Shoes, they will be sorely mistaken. I recommend always having a minimum of 2 pwns per n00b, in case this occurs. If you cannot think of a second pwn, or are going against a well-known pwner I could recommend an aerial-pwn from a balcony or window. The most helpful distance I have found is the third story, close enough to pwn and far enough away to avoid flying wireless mice or 44oz. blue slushies from Sheetz. You can also disappear into the window, saving face when a secondary pwn cannot be thought of. A bus window can also work, for the same reasons. A speeding away bus also helps for a more dramatic exit. Of course, a hot air balloon would be the most dramatic way to exit, but floating away takes too long and they are not good transportation for city-dwellers. 
I hope this manual has helped you, and you go out into the world today feeling confident and ready to deliver a crushing pwn in your new and shiny pwniform.


Peace and Pwns,
Ginger

In the event of a zombie apocalypse...

I know there are several people who ponder what the best escape route or survival plan would be the most effective in the event of a zombie apocalypse.  I mean, there have been books published about it- it's obviously a serious and likely threat.  One day I was thinking about what I would do if suddenly there was an onslaught of the living dead.  After serious consideration of the matter, I came up with the following:

1) Get to a military base.
If zombies are coming after you, you're going to want to be in a place where you have access to your basic needs and are able to defend yourself.  Where is a better place than a military base? You have flares and military-grade glowsticks to signal other survivors, a kitchen as well as plenty of MREs (Meals-Ready-to-Eat) at a military base, as well as shelter and a stockpile of ammunition and probably some sweet sabres if you are lucky enough to acquire a base that was formerly used by the US Marines.  See, you could go to a superstore of some kind, but why have your life cluttered by vacuums, lamps, and scented candles? All great to have around if you're having visitors...but not if those visitors are coming to rend your flesh with their nasty zombie teeth.  Plus, a military base can allow for either tight security if you're positive that it's a zombie-free zone, but can also allow for an easy escape route.  If you lock yourself into a Wal-Mart and find that one of the mullet-sporting employees has been infected, and there is a legion of undead outside the doors, you don't have much leeway.

2) Build a tree house. 
A tree house is great in a zombie apocalypse.  First of all, zombies are slow walkers so it's safe to assume that they're not very fast climbers either.  Second of all, it can serve as a good watch post.  As long as you can MacGuyver a decent plumbing system and have room to grow bamboo (you'll see why this is necessary below), it should make for a good shelter.

3) Put multiple Burmese tiger pits around your tree house.
Now a tree house in itself gives you a greater chance of survival, but it's always a good idea to secure the perimeter.  Zombies aren't known for being intelligent killers and are a lot like lemmings; they'll see the people in front of them go down and keep on truckin' irregardless.  Soon enough you'll have plenty of pits full of impaled zombies and can go about your business as usual.  Just make sure they've all been shot in the head, burn the bodies, and you're ready to wash rinse and repeat.

4) Grow bamboo.
Bamboo may seem like an odd thing to grow when you're trying to avoid being bitten and infected by hordes of zombies, but it's an essential piece of your survival plan.  So, you've built your tree house and you've dug your Burmese tiger pits, right? Well what are you going to fill your tiger pits with? Sharpened bamboo, of course! Bamboo can make for an excellent weapon.  If need be you can also fashion swords and other weaponry out of your homegrown bamboo.  Bamboo fibers are also notorious for making fabric.  Just make some knitting needles out of your bamboo and get to work making nets to cover those tiger pits! You can also make yourself some very fancy scarves and outerwear for when the chill comes in.  Safe and fashionable? Yes please! Bamboo fabric is naturally anti-microbial and bamboo is easily replenished.  Bonus.

5) Find other survivors and stick together.
If you can surround yourself with others, then you have power in numbers.  You also won't be as insane from lack of human communication by the time things settle down (i.e. all the zombies are either somehow sequestered or dead).  Just in case, you may want to sleep with a machete under your pillow.  Sheathed, of course- you wouldn't want to accidentally cut your own head off during a fitful dream.

And there you have it.  It's simple and yet should save your life in the event of the world turning into the Thriller video.  Good luck, fellow survivors!

Sincerely yours,
Izzy

P.S.
If you're having difficulties recognizing zombies, please watch the following video to see an accurate depiction:

Shakira - She Wolf

Don't let the obvious werewolf references fool you.  She's a tricky one.

Thoughts of the day.

Ginger: Love is in the air on the T between an Ed Hardy douche bro and a Victoria's Secret Pink slut...coincidence? I think not.

I just had to wait to walk into McD's for a woman who was blocking the door to finish chugging a bottle of Pepto Bismol.

Izzy: It's not even noon yet and you've already had 2 sightings of American culture at its finest? Must be something about 9/9/09.  Question...why on earth would you be going to McDonald's if you had to chug a bottle of Pepto? That seems counterproductive.

Ginger: That's what I thought, or it was a terrible sign that I shouldn't eat my McGriddle...today was a good day so far.  VSP slut was a freshman in college and only drinks Smirnoff Ice...because that's what real party girls drink.

Izzy: I bet Ed Hardy bro enjoys the taste of Natty Ice.  And dick.

***********

Ginger: Kid Rock Boy is friends with Garfield the Cat on MySpace and is talking about conversations they've had...am I seriously supposed to learn with these people around?!

Izzy: Wtf...really? What does he say?

Ginger: Apparently they discuss feline leukemia on the reg...I am at a loss for words right now.

**********

Izzy: I love my Drug Use & Misuse class.  Probably because I love lesbians and drugs a whole bunch <3

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Ginger: Well said, bestie...we will break through the shackles of society and blaze our own trail of life.

Izzy: Well I am a bit of a pyro.  That could work.

Ginger: And we already own machetes.

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Tyrants? Hardly.

Izzy: People need to keep their kindergarten lessons in mind when they grow up. Look with your eyes, not with your hands. Use your words, not your fists. Look both ways before crossing the ocean and bombing the shit out of people.

Ginger: I always look both ways before crossing the ocean and bombing the shit outta someone...

Man, if we ran the world everyone would be happy and well-fed and trippin' on shrooms.

Space Camp for Adults

Seriously, I think there could be a market for this...perhaps with book royalties, Izzy and I can start another business venture.
We're simple girls, dreaming of a world where everyone wears capes and pilots hot air balloons and wears pilot hats and goggles with silk scarves.
On another note: that pancake graphic with a flag behind it is perfect! In the immortal words of Izzy-"[I] found it. It had a royalty fee but I deemed it worth it. I got fat paid on Friday and we're going to be famous, so...that's that."

So we haven't actually started writing the children's book series we want to yet, but we're totes getting there. We have lots of ideas, and just need time together to plan and write and draw out our artistic visions. School and distance and work is a hassle, but we're getting there. As soon as we start writing, we'll put up a link for our Wordpress book account.

That's about it, The Ginge is over and out for now but Izzy will be up to comment soon enough :)

Peace and late trolleys,
Ginger