Incidents and accidents, hints and allegations.

Ginger: Ethan just tried to tell me that ravers and hippies are the same thing.  UM THEY ARE NOT.
Izzy: Although they both follow the principles of peace, love, unity and respect, the subcultures are way different.  Even the drugs used are different (i.e. more natural-leaning drugs vs. manufactured club drugs).  One evolved due to social unrest and revolt, one evolved due to...techno. 

**********

Izzy: Our friendship reminds me of the girls in Heavenly Creatures, minus the creepiness and matricide.
Ginger: I've never heard of that movie...but I feel like if matricide is involved I'll find it creepily entertaining.
Izzy: Definitely.  I'm kinda glad I didn't watch it when I was a younger and much more angsty (or at least less self-controlled) girl.
Ginger: Lolz, I concur.  My mother would probably have gottten more than liquid soap on her toothbrush.
Izzy: It's set in New Zealand and a true story.  I mean, you can't entirely blame them...there really wasn't anything to do in 1950's NZ except fuck sheep and kill your mother.

**********

Izzy: I think Saddam Hussein was cloned, put into a sailor suit, and is now an actor on the Spanish Channel.
Ginger: It's quite plausible...what else are all his body doubles going to do now?

**********

Izzy: Ohh, East Clevland...I love the metal bars on the drive-thru windows.  It's charming.
Ginger: It really gives you that sense of small town charm.

**********

Ginger: Ostraconophobia- the abhorrence of mollusks.  Dinophobia- fear of whirlpools...sadly not a fear of dinosaurs.  Cherophobia- fear of gaiety.  Wtf? Hellenologophobia- fear of overly complex scientific terminology. 
I found a phobia book at the library.  It's very informative.
Izzy: Who, in their right mind, would abhor mollusks? Nobody we want to associate with.

**********

[Ginger's Adventures in Pittsburgh]


Ginger: So at work tonight, there was this old lady in a red velvet dress and big white fur coat coming to one of the parties we were hosting.  As soon as I saw her I thought she was Santa and was depressed to find out she was just an old woman.

Ginger: Gandalf has returned! But he wears mom jeans.  This is actual photographic proof that Gandalf really was a wolf shirt wearer...and I hope you can see the scarf is neon purple.


Ginger: I'm intrigued by cowboys not in their natural habitats.  How did they come to be in the city? Why do they still feel the need to be cowboys? Is there a secret league of cowboy crimefighters and that's how they recognize each other? So many unanswered questions...


Ginger:  JOE LEFT PORN UNDER OUR MATTRESS.  I watched the first minute of the intro, the girls were especially busted and low budget.


Ginger: I love it when My Super Sweet 16 parties go wrong, it's almost as good as when I watch Teen Mom.

**********

[Home for the Holidays]

Ginger: How can something be out of stock online? Isn't there a factory full of children being paid 3 cents an hour to make sure that doesn't happen?
Izzy: Yeah, isn't that why we outsource? I mean otherwise we could pay people here to actually do their damn job.
Ginger: Completely unhelpful, Home Depot online. P.S., I'm getting my mom a drill for X-Mas.
Izzy: Are you getting her a girlfriend too?
Ginger: She can find one on her own, it's only a matter of time.
Izzy: I secretly wish she and Carol would get together.
Ginger: That would be SO ridiculous. But what about The Captain? He would be so lonely.
Izzy: He has like 8,000 kids to keep him company.
Ginger: True, and he can take to the high seas on a grand adventure and maybe pick up Charlotte Doyle.


Izzy: I got 2 things of lotion.  One makes me smell like an Asian hooker (supposedly Japanese Cherry Blossom but my brother says they usually smell more like sweat, tears, and old chow mein) and the other makes me smell like an American stripper (is this vanilla? Or is it daddy issues, glitter, and GHB?). 
Ginger: I've also smelled that Japanese Cherry whatever and definitely got a hint of hooker to round out the bouquet.

Ginger: We are totes soulmates.  It's decided by the fates...I am sooo drunk but having an amazing time.  I would pay hobos to pull you here on a bobsled.


Ginger:  A summary of my last 24 hours: worked 12 hours, during which I met a new lez at work and invited out with me and Ethan; got out of work, went to multiple bars and a house party until I went home at 4 am with aforementioned new lez friend and our other lez friend and we all fall asleep at 6 am in our bed.  Wake up, went to buy drugs and played My Little Pony with drug dealer's daughter.  Now trying to find dinner...if this is any indication of how this year is going to play out I am PUMPED.
Izzy: Jealous! I went to work, got out at 6:20, kicked it at Jen's and hung out at their party until sadly I had to work again at 11 pm.  Woke up in a good mood which Carol promptly shat upon.  I am now on my way to Reading, PA to see Dex and get some sexin' (Lord knows I need it) and kick it.  I'm not sure how I'm feeling about 2010 so far.  Awkward.  If the sex is fantastic perhaps I'll be more optimistic.

**********

Ginger: 60+ male on the T with a Miley Cyrus lanyard sticking out of his back pocket.  Weird.
Izzy: At least he's open and proud of it.  No, wait...still weird.
Ginger: I feel like he uses it as a luring device.  It had crosses on it, yet he is ironically unholy.
Izzy: And ultra pedo-creepy.
Ginger: Totes.  He had a weird pedo scraggly beard as well.
Izzy: Yuck.  Mustache status?
Ginger: Trash stash.

**********

Izzy: Why I like dating the Hulk: I had sex mid-air (um, awesome) and later on quite literally got the panties ripped off of me.  I was shocked and amazed...then very satisfied.  High five?
Ginger: Double high-five.  You might have just starred in a porno.
Izzy: If not I probably should have.  It's like The Odyssey, bedroom edition.  I have to be prepared to fend off krakens and sea witches and whatnot.

**********

Ginger: I'm sorry, but any boy that writes "kewl dewd" in swirly letters on his folder is gay, no matter how much he insists he has a girlfriend.  This is also the same boy that talks to Garfield on MySpace.
I also think I'm going to start drawing vaginas on everything to combat all the penis graffiti.  And sign them all C(I)A too.  I saw the cutest thing today- a boy made a paper flower and gave it to another boy and then they hugged.  Totes presh.
Izzy: Is the boy that gave or received that flower the kewl dewd who talks to Garfield?  'Cause he's super gay.  Also, I fully support vagina graffiti.
Ginger: He is not one of the flower boys, which is good because they were both cute and he is scary.  He also just bleached his hair and slicks it all back now, instead of the side back and top forward.
Izzy: He's obviously a Malfoy.
Ginger: Ew, at least Malfoy is cute.  He's a poor unintelligent imitation.
Izzy: Like Malfoy's retarded brother they kept a secret, locked away in a dungeon somewhere. 
Ginger: They would totally do that, if there was an ugly brother.  But he would definitely be a squib.
Izzy: I doubt Garfield boy has any powers other than the uncanny ability to invoke my gag reflex.
Ginger: He's also really good at writing in swirly font.

**********

Izzy: Seriously, I think they need to ban annoying pregnant women from Facebook.  I just hopped on and, thanks to my news feed, learned that this girl has now dilated to 1 cm.  Idk why she thinks the interwebs wants to hear all about her cervix.  I'm also going to extend that ban to annoying newlyweds who insist on talking about their new [boring] lives together.  If this keeps up I will counteract and start describing, in great detail, the poops I take every morning.
Ginger: Facebook is irritating me right now, too many people overshare.  Specifically in the cervical area.  Besides, 1 cm is hardly anything to brag about.
Izzy: I know, right? When you're actually squeezing a baby out of your snatch maybe I'll be a little more impressed.  Until then, shut up.  Otherwise you may get an earful about either my poop or the ridiculous sex adventures I have.  I feel either of those is more entertaining than hearing about cervix dilations or your husband's trip to Lowe's.  Do not want.
Ginger: Nor do I care about home improvements, unpacking boxes, or doing laundry.  Shut the fuck up about it.  I would appreciate poop and/or sex stories, as long as they are not combined.

**********

Ginger: We should have our own True Life: I'm Way More Awesome than Everyone Around Me.

**********

Ginger: So a type of peach is called a blushing star...umm, vagina lingo much?

**********

Izzy: I had no real V-Day cards laying around so instead I used a party invite.  For: Valentine's Day.  Date: February 14th, 2010 (duh).  Time: All fuckin' day, bitch! Where: My pants.  RSVP: In my mouth?
Uh, yeah.  I'm classy.  I did write a sweet personal note on the back...plus I spent a ridic amount of time making the envelope look supafly. 

**********

Ginger: Some guy with Pez dispensers in a pawn shop just referred to a low bid as "an insult to the Pez community".  He was also in a velour suit and fedora.  Named Joe from Vegas, obvs.
Izzy: Uh, that dude is awesome, where can I get a velour suit?
Ginger: I have a feeling they are all in his closet.  He never left 1970, which is really a lot of Vegas charm, actually.

**********

Ginger: I got baked and then baked cookie brownie bars.  I love it when I make grocery decisions based upon my extracurricular drug use desires.

**********

Ginger:  There are a bunch of Jersey Shore t-shirts at Burlington.  May or may not have made barfing noises as I walked by them.

**********

Izzy: I bought Stride Mega Mystery gum based on several factors: 1) It reminded me of the white Airheads 2) It's all bright and multi-coloured, vaguely reminiscent of tie-dye 3) the big question mark on the front makes me feel like it's something The Riddler would chew 4) My sense of curiosity is highly developed and I love a good mystery [sidenote: this is also why I attempt to sneak references to Clue into conversations as much as possible] and 5) I'm a big fan of alliterative titles.  Am I a fab item finder or just a sucker for marketing? Or dare I suggest...both?
Ginger: Normally I would say sucker for marketing, but you have sound logic to back up your purchases.  I would go with your highly developed sense of curiosity.
Izzy: The individual wrappers have multi-coloured question marks all over them.  I feel like a kid who just got her first pack of Zebra Stripe.  The gum itself is an odd, indistinguishable flavour but strangely tasty.  I feel both awkward and excited and to tell you the truth I don't know what to do about it other than have a perplexed look on my face.  I also have the desire to get packs for everyone I like and/or throw a murder mystery party.

**********

Izzy: I discovered a wet diaper (the baby's, obvs, not mine) from a mid-drive diaper change in my car garbage bag...my first thought was "eww" but was rapidly succeeded by "at whom can I chuck this?".  I should not be around urine bombs such as this, it makes troublesome thoughts crop up in the teenage boy prankster part of my brain.  If I ever get a hold of a Diaper Genie, all hell will break loose.  I should probably be forbidden from having children...
Ginger: I foresee a lot of diaper wars when we are at the cottage...to pelt at each other and also unfortunate passersby.
Izzy: The ones for each other must be filled with pleasant things though.  If there are passersby at our gnome cottage it means they got past the trolls at the bridge, the mega-intense bear traps, and the kraken.  THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT! BRING OUT THE CATAPULTS!

**********

Ginger: I've started drinking vodka and sprite with sours mix and grenadine...I'm feeling fancy today.
Izzy: Grenadine is like bows, the addition of either automatically makes something fancier.

**********

[Dexter and Poindexter]

Ginger: Does he have horn-rimmed glasses? I picture him as a sexy nerd.
Izzy: No but he has a beautiful tan and deep, serious eyes.  Very tall, dark and handsome.  Not someone I'd picture as a Poindexter (aka the Clark Kent type).
Ginger: He sounds nice to look at.
Izzy: Indeed.  And he's in camis, as is Dex.  I'm in Dexter-type dude heaven right now.
Ginger: Are they fanning you and feeding you those sorbet and sticky rice balls we got at Trader Joe's? Because they should be.  I feel that an investment in a chaise lounge would not be out of place here.

**********

Ginger: I just equated waring a strap-on to be a sort of power, like a sword...making awkward conversations awesome ftw.

**********

Izzy: Dex, in a strange nearly-Sean-Connery-but-not-quite voice: "Ah yes, touch it, feel it, it is yours! It is yours, Trebek!".  Uh, what? Apparently I'm Alex Trebek.  Not gonna lie, I'm pretty excited about it.  Trebek is apparently the boner commander as well as a very suave Canadian quiz master.

**********

Izzy: Some rank insignia has a bunch of chevrons and stripes and what is apparently an exploding bomb (the round Mario Bros. type) in the middle.  I keep insisting it's a pineapple to symbolize love and friendship and welcome.  I think I'm single-handedly turning the Marine Corps into daisy chain making hippies, at least in my head, and making people mad with my unrelenting insistence that it is fruit and not a weapon.

***********

Ginger: You're getting married right now, I'm watching Monsterquest...my, how we've grown apart.

**********

Izzy: I just passed a street called Shrimp Lady Lane.  Seriously.
Ginger: Find me a house there.  I shall live on Shrimp Lady Lane until I perish.

**********

Ginger: Going to hell FOR SURE...but I think it's a Crip gang.

**********

Ginger: I got a massive nosebleed and bled all over the bed, him, and myself thus looking like a cannibal/serial killer.  It was so sexy :-/ Not.

**********

Ginger: Your uterus being a habitat makes me think of rainforests or the tundra.
Izzy: I wish it was a bio-dome so Pauly Shore could go be totaly 90's there.  Only miniature because I don't think an adult could fit comfortably.
Ginger: If Pauly Shore springs from your uterus you probably have bigger problems than just a baby...like how Pauly Shore got into there in the first place.
Izzy: Harry Potter lives there too and said, "Accio miniature Pauly Shore!".

**********

Ginger: Um, beeteedub, I should not be explaining what's in a gin and tonic on day 23 of 28 in my bartending class.  The same kid also asked me if vodka was in a shot of tequila.  I'm actually rather proud I haven't backhanded him yet.
Srsly.  My patience is waning...oh, and now he asked what was in a jack and coke.  He might actually be a supergenius, sent to test my patience...or, like, Jesus.  didn't he do sneaky shit like that?

**********

Ginger: So this girl in my class got grounded for being on the phone after 8 pm.  She's 23.  Cut.  The.  Cord.  How messed up is that? She needs to a) Grow up and b) Slap her mother in the face.

**********

Izzy: Our song should be Always by Erasure.  And by "our song" I mean you and me, not me and Dex.
Ginger: It's a much more pressing matter to choose our song than one with your husband.

Clearly this song and video (which you may recognize from Robot Unicorn Attack, one of the best flash games of all time) both represent our friendship quite well:

Superswarms. Possible answer to the impending zombie invasion?

So, whilst watching the Discovery Channel last night, a show about superswarms came on.  Essentially, the group experiences the ultimate groupthink and act as one unit.  Fire ants, fish, bees, and starlings all have the ability to acutely sense their neighbors and can react fast enough to move as a team. This helps against predators, and this got me thinking.  Humans are the top of the food chain when not in the wilderness or a shark tank or something...or a zombie invasion. Just like how ants can experience groupthink and individual thought at the same time, if humans could do this we would stand a much better chance at surviving long-term against the zombie race.  Ants do really sweet shit like form a giant ant raft during a flood, and float to safety; or let off pheremones so when moving a twig, they can coordinate their pushing and pulling.  Now, the sweet raft idea would not work because the little ants on the bottom layer can still breathe, but if we were able to work as a team there would be no trouble building barricades and walling off the roving bands of brain-eaters.

Now, I brought up this theory with my friend in class and he disagrees with my theory because he says that a humans ability to think as an individual and forage and plan are the only reasons that we can survive against attacking zombies.  He believes individualism is the key to survival.


But, I suppose at the end of the day we should really just be glad that zombies can't superswarm, because that would be totally fucking scary.


Peace and machetes,
Ginger

The Year Two Thousand and Ten, Anno Domini

We sincerely apologize for not updating you, the American public, on the status of fux to be delegated in the [relatively new] year of 2010.  Let it be known that:

 FUX ARE TO BE POSTPONED INDEFINITELY.

With besties and butternut squash,

Izzy and Ginge

Cottages and communes.

Ginger: I just made a pun using pho.  We're eating it for lunch, and I said, "I'll take mine home, pho later!"

**********

Izzy: Bill has Purple Rain on vinyl.

Ginger: Is Chocolate Rain on the other side?

**********

Ginger: I had an awful day today and wish we could snuggle and smoke a bowl under my electric blanket.

Izzy: Me too, watching Saved by the Bell.  We watched X-Files last night (Adrian just got the 4th season) and it made me miss you terribly.

Ginger: It's just not the same watching it in Pitt than it was on that sketchy pulldown bed.

Izzy: I loved that bed.

Ginger: Me too...when it had sheets on and I couldn't see the sex and murder stains.

Izzy: Haha indeed, hopefully those two things didn't happen simultaneously.

Ginger: My apartment was most likely the set of a snuff film.

**********

Ginger: I wish you could shadow me sooo bad! PCI wouldn't know what hit them.

Izzy: We'd intellect-fuck them so hard they wouldn't walk right for weeks.

**********

Ginger: I love being a pain...it's really entertaining for me.

Izzy: Me too, I love to instigate.  Apparently it gets my pants stolen though.

Ginger: That's really not the worst thing that could happen.

Izzy: One day I'm going to wake up and find myself naked and in a tree in Belize.

Ginger: I hear they have great food and salsa dancing...

**********

Izzy: I think that if we really had our gnome cottage I would never need anything else out of life.  I wish we lived in a fairy tale.

Ginger: Slash action comic.  Really though, if I got to live in the gnome cottage forever I would be quite happy.

**********

Izzy: I just found a yarn called "riot eyelash", and one in a colour called "yummy white".  I lol'd.

**********

Ginger: The phrase "we're hungering after Jesus" was just used by a 12-year-old boy with a rat tail.  Named Levi.

Izzy: Sounds like Children of the Corn crossed with the legion of undead.  Zombies invade heaven...new movie idea?

Ginger: As long as there are plenty of where we're floating around with sparkly wings.

Izzy: Shooting at white trash zombies with our ray guns.

Ginger: Can God drive over them in a tank?

Izzy: YES.

**********

Ginger: I wish we could travel on giant hopping bunnies.

Izzy: That could be painful unless we get cushiony saddles to prevent impact damage to our hoo-has.  I might like a giant kangaroo that could put me in its pouch.

Ginger: That would be so velvety! And excellent for overnight travel.

Izzy: I always wondered...when marsupials get knocked up does their little pouch thing seal up? I find the marsupial birth process to be a bit confusing.

Ginger: As do I.  Is the baby actually born out of the pouch? Or does it just kind of grow in there? I mean, they're like super tiny, right? Like a grain of rice.

Izzy: Apparently they can weigh as little as 0.03 ounces at birth.  They are born (presumably out of the roo's hoo-ha) and then crawl into the pouch where they keep on nursing (so, do kangaroos have nipples in their pouches?) and developing.  They stay in there and don't leave for like 8 months to a year I think.  Marsupials are so fucking weird.

Ginger: Seriously weird.  I wonder if they're ever mistaken for bugs?

Izzy: The baby roos?

Ginger: Yeah, and like scratched off.

Izzy: Hahaha that would suck!

Ginger: Right? Kangaroos are sooo strange.

Izzy: I think I'd be a good kangaroo because I like to stash things, jump around, and kick people in the chest.

**********

Izzy: Arson, death, prostitution, affairs...why don't I watch Melrose Place?

**********

[The Virtues of the Gnome Cottage]

Izzy: I want a sailor outfit.  I am also waiting for the day when we're out traveling and exploring, and stumble across a location that we both instantly know is meant to be the gnome cottage.  That's how it goes in my head...a joyous discovery.

Ginger: Mine too...like we wander upon a lake, and decide we need to stay and build the cottage.

Izzy: In my head the cottage is on a hill with a stone path (surrounded by lots of wildflowers) going down to the lake (on the right side if you're facing the front of the cottage) where our ship is waiting and there are lots of willow trees.  On the left of the cottage is our hangar.  Lots of open meadows around but our cottage is shaded by tall trees, and we have a giant mushroom in the front to sit and read under on nice days with a light breeze and sunshine!

Ginger: That's almost exactly my picturing! Except the hill part, but literally identical.  It's fate...we must find this place.

Izzy: It's only a small hill, barely able to be classified as a hill, and a short distance to the lake :) Ohhh and lots of creeping ivy or that hanging moss stuff on the cottage to add charm and a feeling of home.  And of course a big chimney for our warm fireplace to sit in front of with hot cocoa in the winter.  Lots of marshmallows, of course.

Ginger: Can we have a hot chocolate room with brown walls and big white mushy bean bags as furniture?

Izzy: Hahaha that'd be so cute! We can make the walls look like you're inside a fun mug.  It should be round!

Ginger: Yes! We can have a turret and that can be the top room.

Izzy: Or it can be a treehouse! Oooh so many ideas...I want a trampoline and a moon bounce in the meadow or in the backyard somewhere, and a tire swing off of one of the willows.

Ginger: We can also have a tire swing into the lake!

Izzy: I was picturing it as such :)

Ginger: -sigh- This gnome cottage will be the crowning achievement of my life.

Izzy: Indeed.  I'll never want to leave and go back to the "real" world.

Ginger: Fuck that.  We can sustain ourselves and take drugs for days at a time.

Izzy: Life plan: made.

**********

Ginger: Ethan's mom got me a Snuggie for Christmas.  Thought you should be kept informed.  I hope it's the Weezer one.  Perhaps we can set it aflame?

Izzy: It's probably fireproof.  And made out of dragon scales and evil.

Ginger: I think those meet the California guidelines for flammable materials.

**********

Izzy: Our cool factor is augmented when we're together...we're obviously meant to be a duo.  I mean, the kids from Captain Planet were cool on their own but together they formed a mega earth-friendly crime-fighting blue-green dude.  That's kind of what I equate us to.  On that note we seriously need to get sweet power rings.

Ginger: Power rings would definitely enhance our power while together.  I think they should also match our jet packs and hot air balloons.

Izzy: Or they can be mood rings, usually fixed on whatever colour is assigned to AWESOME.

**********

Izzy: Every time I go to NC my obvious priority is to get laid by a man who adores me.  Aka anyone with eyes and a brain, what upppp!

**********

Ginger: Addie's birthday is going to be insaaane (in the membrane, obvs).

Izzy: Cypress Hill reference ftw.

**********

Ginger: If I just used the term "sexy getaway",  I have been reading Cosmo too much.

Izzy: It was kind of awesome and in my head I pictured something very drug store romance novel-esque, Fabio included.

**********

Izzy: We have a special bond and I think it confuses other people, like the smell of camels does to horses.

**********

Izzy: I wish I was Rafiki.  Then I could hold baby lions up on clilffs, smack people with my staff, and wipe my glowy cave paint berry juice on peoples' foreheads without consequence.

Ginger: I'm sure we could still do that, but we'd have to move to the free people commune in northern California.

Izzy: Do they allow you to hit people with sticks? That might still be unacceptable.  I do enjoy communes though.

Ginger: I think if it was for a life-changing experience to re-define who you are as a person, like it was for Simba, it would be.

**********

Ginger: Sitting next to a boy putting "lumberjack" on his résumé.  Thanks, Pennsylvania.  Also, bought drugs in class while the teacher was out of the room.  The only good PCI does for me.  My day has been fairly eventful thus far.

**********

[On hilljacks at Wal-Mart]

Ginger: Is her brother the union man from Wife Swap?

Izzy: I wouldn't doubt it.  Maybe her close cousin...but in those sorts of families, everyone's a close cousin.

Ginger: Nice use of double entendre, bestie.

**********

[Upon spying a very awful fashion choice]

Ginger: Please gaze upon this unfortunate equestrian coat with me.

Izzy: Hahahahaha ewwww.

Ginger: On a giiiiant lez too.  The poor unfortunate fashion victims I prey upon using Port Authority Transportation...

A brief but important warning.

Attn: American Public

It has come to light that going out dancing with one's friends is not nearly as safe as was previously suspected.  Have you been thinking that it'd be nice to throw on your sluttiest top, grab your girlfriends, and head to the club for some martinis, rufies, and some music you can awkwardly shake your ass to?

THINK AGAIN.

According to a recently popular song, there have been instances of club personnel having to call 9-1-1 due to raging fires on the dance floor.  Another song states that the dance floor must be evacuated due to risk of infection by sound.  It is rumoured that there have even been deaths by sick beats.  Is this a mass conspiracy designed to destroy the morale of the American people, or perhaps an act of terrorism by anti-dancing cult members (founded under the principles of the dad from Footloose)? It's very possible. 

Currently, there are investigations into the matter.  For the time being, it is suggested that you either dance in your own living rooms in your underwear, or perhaps visit piano bars and wine bars instead.  It has been stated that country western/line dancing bars are safety zones as well, but the author of this warning would like to interject and say that if you genuinely wish to visit these establishments, you should promptly go jump into shark-infested waters instead.

Be on the lookout, dear readers, and dance safely. 

With love and lamé,

Isabella "Izzy" St. James

A seriously needed update of ridiculousness.

Izzy: You know what boredom and curiosity lead to? Nair-ing your arm hair off.  On the bright side, they are as soft as a baby's bottom, minus the Desitin and poo remnants.

Ginger: I would hope you don't have poo remnants amidst your arm hairs.

Izzy: Nice.  And there are no arm hairs.  Oddly I kind of like it...

Ginger: I would understand...who would dislike velvety soft hairless forearms?

Izzy: Romanians?

Ginger: Now ask yourself, are Romanians really people?

Izzy: They're gypsies.  I'm jealous, I want to be a gypsy.  Maybe that's why I am mildly appalled that I Nair-ed my arms.

Ginger: I spent most of my childhood pretending to be/wishing I was a gypsy.

Izzy: As did I, praying that if I ever was, that I'd end up with someone less deformed than Quasimodo.  I wasn't into hunchbacked Frenchmen *shrugs*.  Plus, as I recall, he had really hairy forearms.  I could never be, we're too different.

Ginger: Who is? Also, I was so not okay with their height and age difference.  Q was at least 35.  He does have the in with talking gargoyles though...that's a definite perk.

Izzy: Don't hate on height differences lol.  I'm an amazon.  I feel like I need to be beating on my armoured chest plate and spearing things on the reg.

Ginger: And yet I usually see you frolicking and taking drugs...spearing things could be your day job I guess.

Izzy: I so tend to frolic quite a bit, don't I? Hmm.  I'm going to need to find something to do for the upcoming winter.  Frolicking in the snow leads to disaster and sore bums.

**********

[On Godspell]

Ginger: Have you seen Godspell? Despite religious undertones (because it's about Jesus' life or something), I desperately want to frolic with the hippies and wear a knitting bag as a hat.

Izzy: Who do you think I am? Of course I've seen Godspell, I love hippies and went to a Catholic school.  And now I have "Day by Day" stuck in my head.  Thanks, you camel crotch.

Ginger: Of course, I have no idea why I ever even had doubts...I really want it on DVD, I would watch it all the time.

Izzy: We can watch it together, repeatedly, then re-enact it.  Ethan is going to hate us.

Ginger: He will, if not already.  yesterday he told me he feels like I'd rather talk to you than do him :(  So not true...I enjoy both!

Izzy: We can't help it if our conversations are mentally orgasmic.  Just tell him we're getting all the bases covered.

Ginger: Lolz, that's good reasoning.  When do I get to see yooooou?

Izzy: Hopefully soon.  If I get laid I want to tell you about it in person, there are bound to be a lot of necessary hand gestures to accompany the conversation.

Ginger: Obvs, as any good conversation about getting laid has.

Izzy: Agreed.  I mean, between that and facial expression it's almost not even worth talking about any other way.

**********

Izzy: So I was thinking...is jizz the consistency that it is because proteins coagulate when heated (thanks, hospitality management)?

Ginger: I think it's because of the lack of fluid with the proteins.  So, we're both right?

**********

Izzy: If I have a predeliction for blowjobs, can I save time an just say I have a predicklicktion?

Ginger: I think so...but I think only the most intellectual (aka ballers like us) will find it humorous.

Izzy: It's a bit of a mouthful.  Pun intended.

**********

Ginger: Come to my windooow, I'll be home soo-oon.  Crawl insiide, wait by the light of the moo-oon.

Izzy: That made my life complete.

**********

Ginger: There is an unimpressed looking little puppy in a carrier on the T.  It's terribly adorable.

Izzy: Steal it.

Ginger: I totally would, but it's in the lap of I think Zeus himself...if Zeus were in any way a black man.

**********

Ginger: Somebody just asked if you were "my girl".  I felt like saying yes just for funsies.

Izzy: Lol who was it?

Ginger: This kid in my class...I was on your Facebook and he asked.

Izzy: You should tell him that we're in love and going to raise camels together.

Ginger: Egads! So many possibilities, sadly I was honest.  I would like to raise camels with you, though.  Coincidentally, my post to you concerned camels.

**********

[Ginger's Random Tangents]

Ginger: Ethan bet a boy ten dollars he wouldn't eat a cricket in the alley, and he did but then gave the money back.  He essentially at a cricket for funsies.  Boys. Are. So. Weird.

Ginger: I think I'm gonna do a blog about my ideal wedding- aka an excuse to have acrobats and firedancers riding elephants.

Ginger: Jailbait's the best bait.

Ginger: Just made a dramatic exit that you would be proud of...I announced I had a wang? Kicked three chairs and a trashcan, and threw the door open and yelled, "peace suckas!".

Ginger: WHO CAN'T PRONOUNCE CANCUN? Answer: my classmates.  FML.  This kid is presenting to the calss and was like "I can't pronounce this Mexican place...C-a-n-c-u-n" and then he didn't realize it was in Mexico.  He thought it was an American city.

Ginger: We're so in sync we're almost N*Sync.

Ginger: I feel like G wouldn't understand Xanadu unless she was on E.

Ginger: I love geekin' out :) Both with drugs and with knowledge.

**********

[On being hit on by creeps.]

Ginger: Ahahahaha...you should have said "does it look like I like boys?" and they shut up.  It's very helpful for male creepers.  It does, however, tend to attract female ones.  It's worth it, though, I personally feel.

--Izzy's responses to this portion are undocumented--

Ginger: What did he say after you answered? P.S., I heard this girl talking to her friend and was like "and the stupid bitch got 'army girl' tattooed as a tramp stamp and he's gonna dump her next week anyway, and everyone knows but no one said anything."

Ginger: Oooh, what a draw a carwash has vs. the Marines...you're making the wrong decision, bestie.  I'm obligated to tell you to think about this offer a little more instead of making a rash decision.

***********

Izzy: I'm in a bar in South Carolina and someone just segued from Happy Birthday into the national anthem...then started beat boxing it.

Ginger: Is that the Hot Cross Buns of beat boxing, everyone can do it?

**********

Izzy: You know how people usually write things like "wash me" on the back of dirty semi trucks? Just saw something that trumps that- this truck said "bare hooters".  Seriously.  I almost wish it had been spelled wrong so it could say bear hooters...even better.

**********

Izzy: Soo, you're not really supposed to have female visitor's in the men's barracks.  Naturally I had to have sex there.  I love screwing around with government properties...good thing I'm not a sponsored nuclear physicist or something.

**********

Izzy: I got weird looks at the BP in Virginia and the girl who sold me cigs talked to me like I'm an imbecile even though she looked like she had killed brain cells in abundance.  Naturally I dropped a bomb in their bathroom.

Ginger: Always a good defense.  And it's covertly vindictive enough not to look planned.

Izzy: The gift shop was full of hats and other things sporting horses, Nascar, Confederate flags, camo, and hunting shit.  Quite frankly I think droppin' a deuce improved the atmosphere. 

Ginger: It would have improved the gift shop if you had pooed on some of the Nascar memorabilia.

Izzy: Agreed but if I sneaked it back to the bathroom they might think I'm a thief.  I'd end up in jail with dudes named Bubba and Hoss.  I try to avoid that.

Ginger: Especially Hoss.  He is certainly not a friendly gent.  You could also have dropped trou inside the store, but most likely with the same results.

**********

Izzy: 1 mile to a place called Poplar Camp...it invoked visions of trees enjoying kayaking and employing the buddy system.

Ginger: Hey man, even Batman uses the buddy system.

**********

Izzy: Wood Education and Resource Center...good game, West Virginia.

**********

Ginger: I like women who braid their hair and stick it through the hole in the back of their ball cap like it's Beach Day '95.

Izzy: YES.  Especially when they wear cobalt blue nylon shorts and shirts with the sleeves ripped off.

Ginger: And a swishy jacket in case it gets chilly.  And big plastic sunglasses.

Izzy: With the neon arms, preferably green, orange, or the occasional pink.  Wind breaker track suits for when it's chilly because you know those shorts are light and airy!

Ginger: Those track pants are also for early morning jobs with ankle weights.

**********

[On seeking revenge.]

Ginger: can I send you a shield of mind bullets and sunshine to keep the bad stuff away? Heard from dickface yet?

Ginger: Well, good then.  You can meet me and bring the baseball bats wrapped in viper fangs.  I got your back, boo.  I'm gonna fill the shot glass full of hemlock and shoot it through a cannon at him.

Izzy: Haha.  Deadly nightshade! <3

Ginger: I feel that this plan has no flaws.

Izzy: Agreed.  Where are we going to get a cannon?

Ginger: The barn where we keep out mini-horse cavalry and jetpacks.

Izzy: Can we have a secret underground lair to keep weaponry and captives?

Ginger: Duh, that's what the retina-scan elevator is for by the tackle shed.

**********

Ginger: We could so look like hot mechanics and give all the boys and girls boners.

**********

Izzy: I have somehow managed to connect my genetic heritage to Vikings (thanks to Wikipedia, source of all truth and enlightenment).  The best part about it? I'm not even high.

Ginger: well anyone who is blond or redheaded is descended from Vikings too.  Yeah Vikes! Bein' all pillagey and shit.

Izzy: New pickup line: "hey baby, can I pillage your village?".

**********

Ginger: Just tried to say Led Zeppelin, but said Lez Zeppelin instead.  New porn idea?

**********

Izzy: Lol fickling is a funny word.  Like a cross between fucking and tickling.  Fake tickle fights ftw!

*********

[On the formation of our camelry.]

Izzy: A camel cavalry is called a camelry, and desert warriors or soldier often fought camel-back with spears, bows, or rifles.  Plus according to folklore, camel smell disorients horses which makes a horse cavalry essentially useless against them...lawlz.

Ginger: So when we storm the capital and takeover, a camelry is the best choice.  Good looking out, bestie.  Dromedary knowledge is useful.

Izzy: I would name my camel Ramses.

Ginger: It's an excellent camel name.  I would like mine to be called Bonaparte.

Izzy: Bill's camel would be Hitler, Adrian's would be Serge, and Tommy's would be Phineas.  I'm surveying the masses.

Ginger: Good, we can't have unnamed camels in our camelry.

Izzy: Apparently our friend Tom's will be Yoseph, Adrian just informed me of this.  Leave no stone unturned, and no camel unnamed!

Ginger: We truly know how to plan for camel-driven domination.

**********

[On future tattoo plans.]

Ginger: I thought Jen's face was going on your butt cheek. 

Izzy: No Jen's name, her face is going on our friend Nate's butt cheek.  And I will have to be very very drunk to get a buttoo.

Ginger: I do not want a buttoo at all.

Izzy: I was too lazy to write out butt tattoo so I just smooshed it together and made a new word.  I feel so Tyra Banks right now.

Ginger: I love how Perez calls her Tyrannasaurus.  She totes is, but faboosh at the same time.  I like the word buttoo.

Izzy: Tyra is very T-Rex like.  Intimidating but also captivating.

Ginger: And majestic.

Izzy: Yayyyyy! Let me know when you check it out.  If we got it I'd so feel like a sailor.

Ginger: We should probably arrange our adult lives so that we ALWAYS feel like sailors.

**********

Izzy: Just went to a psychic who seemed to give a pretty damn accurate reading but then wanted me to drop $240 for her to do a meditation with me to rid me of some of my negative energy before December 12th, which is apparently going to be a turning point in my life.  From now on I'm just going to All Messages at the Spiritualist Church.  It's free and once a month.

Ginger: No kidding! For $240, I want a harem of seraphim to follow me singing everywhere to compliment my solid gold aura.

Izzy: For serious.  At least 24 karats and perfect harmonies or I want a refund.

**********

Izzy: Dr. Phil just told this kid that he became a passenger on the drug train.  Where the fuck is this train station? I wanna travel!

Ginger: I want a pass with my picture and everything! Must join!

WTF?!

Whilst perusing the internet at very near 5 o'clock in the morn, we stumbled across the following:




Be overwhelmingly terrified.

With martyrs and mastodons,

Izzy and Ginger