Wrestling, whether "legitimate" or staged, seems to be quite popular in North America and other parts of the world. Whether you are a die-hard wrestling fan or mostly unfamiliar with the sport, you will surely have noticed one common thread - latent homosexuality.
Wrestling has been around for thousands of years. There are different styles attributed to China (dating back up to 4000 years), ancient Egypt, and many other cultures. The most infamous and still widely used form of wrestling is Greco-Roman wrestling. Traditionally, men would get naked, grease themselves up and roll around with/touch all up on other men (to put it simply). In modern times, Greco-Roman wrestling is still recognized as an Olympic sport; however, they are now required to wear a singlet that still disturbingly displays their packages. Not only are there massive amounts of latent homosexuality present, but there is even a class of wrestlers as young as 13 to age 15 called "schoolboys". I wouldn't be surprised if every spectator to that match had a pedo 'stache. And let's talk about how a wrestler can earn points for "exposure"...wow.
If this doesn't scream "Home in the Hamptons with your life partner, Ross" I don't know what does.
More along the lines of "real" wrestling, there is high school and college wrestling. What comes to mind besides male-on-male action are only a few things: projecting hyper masculine imagery, anorexia, ring worm, and cauliflower ear. I think that we can all agree that none of these are pleasant to begin with; when coupled with spandex they create a new disaster entirely. Most of the wrestlers I knew were originally football players who got bored in the off season, and who likely missed smacking other men on the bum. Although many former high school wrestlers seem to drop wrestling in college because they are supposedly not as serious about the sport, it is my theory that perhaps their ability to blame beer pong and flip cup for touching their fellow frat boys inappropriately is to blame. We've all heard horror stories about bro rape.
In the 90's, wrestling took an interesting turn. More of the general public took an interest in staged wrestling and the names of wrestlers were familiar to most households, or at least those with younger children and teenagers. The most fascinating of all rivalries was, undoubtedly, the war between "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan and "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Now, there were many grudge matches spawned between famous wrestlers...why was this one the most poignant? There is but one answer that can sum it up appropriately: rap albums. You know things are serious when they hop out of the ring and into the recording studio. Ha, and you thought that east coast/west coast rivalries were intense! Try being slammed, figuratively and literally, by a dude with a platinum handlebar mustache and poor rhyming skills. OUCH.
After the rap hype died down and the "Macho Man" started making Slim Jim commercials instead, staged wrestling has faded a bit more into the background. However, like most things popular in the 90's, wrestling has been a bit delayed in reaching the beer-swilling Nascar crowd. Today, many unfortunate children have role models such as John Cena. John Cena is, of course, a former football player. Surprisingly he holds a college degree and seems far more intelligent than most professional wrestlers. Tragically, he has abandoned his degree training in favour of - you guessed it - bad acting gigs and hip-hop albums. He's even recorded a song called "Basic Thugonomics", which reinforces my hypothesis that you should never trust anyone with an incredibly large neck.
There is one type of wrestling that we approve of, which is fake wrestling (not to be confused with stage wrestling). Everyone with a scrappy bone in their body knows the fake wrestling trick. It's right up there with fake tickle fights and fake naps...you know that it's just a prelude to doin' it. And doin' it, as you know, is ALWAYS okay in our book. So go out there, champ, and instigate some fake wrasslin'. Just don't think it entitles you to a rap album.
With love and laboratories,
Izzy
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