In the event of a zombie apocalypse...

I know there are several people who ponder what the best escape route or survival plan would be the most effective in the event of a zombie apocalypse.  I mean, there have been books published about it- it's obviously a serious and likely threat.  One day I was thinking about what I would do if suddenly there was an onslaught of the living dead.  After serious consideration of the matter, I came up with the following:

1) Get to a military base.
If zombies are coming after you, you're going to want to be in a place where you have access to your basic needs and are able to defend yourself.  Where is a better place than a military base? You have flares and military-grade glowsticks to signal other survivors, a kitchen as well as plenty of MREs (Meals-Ready-to-Eat) at a military base, as well as shelter and a stockpile of ammunition and probably some sweet sabres if you are lucky enough to acquire a base that was formerly used by the US Marines.  See, you could go to a superstore of some kind, but why have your life cluttered by vacuums, lamps, and scented candles? All great to have around if you're having visitors...but not if those visitors are coming to rend your flesh with their nasty zombie teeth.  Plus, a military base can allow for either tight security if you're positive that it's a zombie-free zone, but can also allow for an easy escape route.  If you lock yourself into a Wal-Mart and find that one of the mullet-sporting employees has been infected, and there is a legion of undead outside the doors, you don't have much leeway.

2) Build a tree house. 
A tree house is great in a zombie apocalypse.  First of all, zombies are slow walkers so it's safe to assume that they're not very fast climbers either.  Second of all, it can serve as a good watch post.  As long as you can MacGuyver a decent plumbing system and have room to grow bamboo (you'll see why this is necessary below), it should make for a good shelter.

3) Put multiple Burmese tiger pits around your tree house.
Now a tree house in itself gives you a greater chance of survival, but it's always a good idea to secure the perimeter.  Zombies aren't known for being intelligent killers and are a lot like lemmings; they'll see the people in front of them go down and keep on truckin' irregardless.  Soon enough you'll have plenty of pits full of impaled zombies and can go about your business as usual.  Just make sure they've all been shot in the head, burn the bodies, and you're ready to wash rinse and repeat.

4) Grow bamboo.
Bamboo may seem like an odd thing to grow when you're trying to avoid being bitten and infected by hordes of zombies, but it's an essential piece of your survival plan.  So, you've built your tree house and you've dug your Burmese tiger pits, right? Well what are you going to fill your tiger pits with? Sharpened bamboo, of course! Bamboo can make for an excellent weapon.  If need be you can also fashion swords and other weaponry out of your homegrown bamboo.  Bamboo fibers are also notorious for making fabric.  Just make some knitting needles out of your bamboo and get to work making nets to cover those tiger pits! You can also make yourself some very fancy scarves and outerwear for when the chill comes in.  Safe and fashionable? Yes please! Bamboo fabric is naturally anti-microbial and bamboo is easily replenished.  Bonus.

5) Find other survivors and stick together.
If you can surround yourself with others, then you have power in numbers.  You also won't be as insane from lack of human communication by the time things settle down (i.e. all the zombies are either somehow sequestered or dead).  Just in case, you may want to sleep with a machete under your pillow.  Sheathed, of course- you wouldn't want to accidentally cut your own head off during a fitful dream.

And there you have it.  It's simple and yet should save your life in the event of the world turning into the Thriller video.  Good luck, fellow survivors!

Sincerely yours,
Izzy

P.S.
If you're having difficulties recognizing zombies, please watch the following video to see an accurate depiction:

Shakira - She Wolf

Don't let the obvious werewolf references fool you.  She's a tricky one.