More Threats Facing America

Ginger: Warning! Soccer moms have become aware of the recent popularity surge of the fannypack amoing hipsters and have started attempting to integrate the trend back in style. Abort! Abort!

It's true, there are some scary, scary new threats that should be on America's radar.  Fannypacks (which should not even be popular with the Ironic Hipster) are becoming seen more at an alarming rate.  Louis Vuitton designed an fannypack and Chanel a fannypack/wallet to strap on your ankle. This. Has. Got. To. Stop.  Shoulders are for purses and murses and backpacks. Waists are for belts.  Waists are not for backpacks. As awesome as acidwash was, it does not belong in a "convenient" seatbelt-purse-belt combination.

Also, small barettes not holding hair back...just kind of clipped on the side of the head.  These are generally small and bright plastic, found on Hot Topic emo-punk kids.  Both sexes have straight, flat bangs and teased crunchy hair in the back, like a messy Dyke Spike. These are also usually a combination of bleach and neon colors of varying lengths.  Anyway, I digress. In the flat bangs, there can usually be found a small plastic child's barret in the shape of an apple, bunny, or flower.  They serve no purpose, except to shout to the general population "I am a pack rat! If I am not, I went to the Dollar General and bought these so I look like a pack rat!" in an attempt to look Alternative and XHardXCoreX with a touch of StraightXEdgeXXXXXX. This has also got to stop, for the sake of your little sister's hair accessories. These barrettes are what is keeping Dollar General afloat though. :-/

Fast Food Iced Coffee Drinks...We go to Starbucks for a reason. It is to buy overpriced, albeit fantastic coffee and coffee-like beverages.  If McDonald's goes and gets a selection for the same price but 12 times the size, they are just going to win in their cospiracy plot to ruin America by making us all so fat we can't have an active military any longer, and thus lose our World Power Status. Please, it's the more you know. Truth be told though, I would sacrifice any sort of actual life and be 900lbs and on the TLC series "Half Ton Post-Grad" if i got to drink Burger King's Iced Mocha 18 hours a day. I would put a gun in my sweet grandmother's mouth for a lifetime supply. Not pull the trigger, but just inside. You know you would too.