Who wants a mustache ride?

According to Wikipedia (the most reliable source for accurate information on the planet, obviously):

The word "moustache" derives from 16th century French moustache, which in turn is derived from the Italian mostaccio (14th century), dialectal mustaccio (16th century), from Medieval Latin mustacium (8th century), Medieval Greek moustakion (attested in the 9th century), which ultimately originates as a diminutive of Hellenistic Greek mustax (mustak-) "moustache", probably derived from Hellenistic Greek mullon "lip".

Mustaches have apparent significance, or they wouldn't have such a long etymology.  The fact that there is World Beard and Moustache Championships should alone make you step back in admiration and awe the next time you see a well-groomed mustachio. So what is it about the mustache that has such power over us?
Let's start at the beginning.  The baby mustache, also called the shit 'stache, starts as small hairs at the corner of one's lip, typically in pubescent boys and very unfortunate females (don't worry, ladies, there is always a career waiting for you as a freakshow attraction).  Depending on what sort of ethnic background you have, this could start almost immediately after exiting the womb.  Eventually the mustache gets bored and decides to branch out, spreading inwards to meet in the middle of the lip and outwards to join forces with the potential beard.
Now, this can sometimes be tricky; personally, I think to think of it as the Oregon Trail of facial hair travel- some can ford the river, and some can't [note: eventually, everyone will die of dysentery, but that is irrelevant at the present time].  You see, many boys and men alike, and probably a few of those unfortunate women, suffer from what my brothers like to call the "patch of fertility" (in an obvious attempt to make themselves feel more masculine).  We've all seen it: those small, stubborn patches of hairless space on the sides of the mouth that just won't connect the moustache to the rest of the beard. 
Regardless of whether or not you have awkward bald spots on the side of your mouth, growing a moustache is still rather impressive and looks quite distinguished if you can pull it off.  A moustache is indicative that you are a person of power and importance.  Who, in history, has not had a moustache and made a true impact on this planet? Just n00bz who happened to get lucky.  From Salvador Dali to Teddy Roosevelt, from Freddy Mercury to Friedrich Nietzsche.  Gandhi had one.  Abraham Lincoln only secured the presidency after growing facial hair.  Should you ever desire a position of power (or perhaps notoriety), a mustache is an essential piece of the puzzle.
That being said, there is both proper and improper use of mustaches.  A mustache can be used to attain greatness, but it can also be your downfall.  Let's take a look at mustache failure, shall we? A very expansive genre of mustache-wearers are creeps.  This can include many sub-genres including pedophiles (I guarantee if you check your local anti-pedo website about 90% of perpetrators will be sporting some sort of mustache) and hardcore Nascar and/or WWE fans, which are often interchangeable.
Many nefarious villains and wily criminals have mustaches.  I mean, have you seen Mel Gibson lately? In the proper form, a mustache can be quite intimidating indeed, and a sign that someone has less-than-friendly intentions for you.  One minute you could be admiring their well-waxed mustache curls, and the next you'll find yourself tied to railroad tracks while a train rapidly approaches with no help in sight.  Dictators, a great example of shady characters, unfailingly sport upper-lip fur.  An easy reference is the Hitler mustache; if anyone looks like they accidentally got a poo smudge on their upper lip, run! They may try to force you and your family into labour camps.  Not cool. 
Cops are another story.  It's often difficult to tell if they are the hero or the villain, because they are simply using the mustache to appear to be bad ass.  Due to the use of aviator sunglasses by many officers, it will be nearly impossible to catch any sort of joyful glimmer or evil gleam in their eyes.  If I were you, I would simply try to avoid any brush with the law if at all possible.  Civil war re-enactment actors may also be a bit shifty, so I recommend that you be wary.  A fu-manchu either means that you are going to be given sage advice, or you are going to be ninja-chopped right in the throat faster than you can say "wax on, wax off".
It is important to educate yourselves on what sort of mustaches are used by whom, so it is easy to determine if someone is approachable or is likely to do you in.  Until you are confident in your ability to do so, you should politely decline any offers for a ride on another person's mustache.  Just remember- it's a mustache, not a carousel.  If you are interested in growing a mustache it is also beneficial to be educated so that you make sure you aren't giving off the wrong impression to others, as this could be very detrimental to your social life and, most importantly, your ability to get laid.
So, dear friends, I urge you to go forth into the world and explore the complicated existence of the mustache.  You can thank me later.

Love and licorice,
Izzy